Evangekitty
by WhydUMakeHotNoodles
Summary: A comedic take on Shinji and Kaworu's relationship in the TV series and 14-year-old B.S. in general. Cross-posted from AO3. There's plenty of raunchy humor, but no explicit sex.
1. Wishful Thinking

Shinji sat nude next to Kaworu in a bathhouse that was otherwise empty. They sat silently, soaking in the heat, when Kaworu spoke.

"You go to such extremes to avoid people. One can certainly avoid pain by being solitary, but then one will never stop feeling lonely." Kowaru turned and looked at Shinji, paused and smiled, then looked straight ahead.

_Why is he saying this?_ thought Shinji. _Is he concerned about me, or maybe..._ Shinji perished the thought. Few things were more dangerous than wishful thinking.

"People can never be entirely free from loneliness, because an individual is ultimately alone." Kaworu stared reflectively out in the distance, then turned toward Shinji. "But there are times when loneliness can be forgotten." Kaworu stretched and yawned, then clumsily placed his hand on top of Shinji's. "Whoops."

Shinji gasped and tensed up. _Is he... is he *interested* in me?_ thought Shinji, who started to smile, but then looked down. _No, I must be misreading the situation. There's no way someone like Kaworu could be interested in someone like me. He must just pity me._

Kaworu scooted over and leaned closer. He put his hand on Shinji's back, rubbed it, then leaned in and hugged Shinji from the side, putting his head on Shinji's shoulder. "Shinji, I think I was born just so I could meet you." Kaworu rested his hand on Shinji's chest. "I think you're worthy of my grace. And my ass." Kaworu flicked Shinji's nipple with his pinky.

Before Shinji could react, an announcement came over the loudspeaker. "Phone call for Ikari Shinji on line 1. Phone call for Ikari Shinji on line 1."

"Uh, excuse me!" Shinji jumped up and ran out of the room.

In the locker room, he found the courtesy phone and picked it up.

"Uh, hello, this is Ikari Shinji."

"Hello, Shinji."

"Father! Uh, hi, father."

"Shinji, I have something to tell you- wait, do you have an erection?"

"Uh, um-" Shinji cleared his throat, "-uh, what?" Shinji lowered his voice like a kid buying booze with a fake I.D.

"You sounded like you have an erection. But nevermind that. I have something important to tell you. Your friend Nagisa Kaworu... is an angel."

Shinji blushed. "Gosh, father, he sure is," he said, smiling. "But I don't know if he likes me back."

"What? I don't-"

"Oh, he's here!" said Shinji, who turned and saw Kaworu at the door to the lockerroom. "I'll talk to you later. Bye!"

"Shinji!-" his father started before Shinji hung up the phone. Shinji looked at Kaworu, who walked up to him.

"Is everything okay?" asked Kaworu. He glanced below Shinji's waist. "Well, looks like the Evangekitty has become an Evangelion."

"Oop!" Shinji blurted out and clasped his hands in front of his expanding tumescence.

"Relax, Shinji. It's just us guys here. I, uh, hope I wasn't being too forward earlier with my blatantly homosexual overtures."

Shinji chuckled nervously and put his hands in his pockets- oh, right, he was naked. "I don't know if you know this, Kaworu, but here in Japan, 'gay' doesn't just mean 'happy', it can mean other things as well. Ahem." Shinji cleared his throat. "Of course, you're Japanese as well, so..."

"Asterisk. Anyway, you don't have to be so anxious, Shinji," said Kaworu. "Maybe we should go back to your place and listen to some music. Personally, I consider music to be one of Lilin's greatest creations. There was a song I heard recently, I think it went, 'Never made it as a wise man.' What do you say, Shinji?"

Shinji paused a few seconds. "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying. Why, um, why do you want to go to my house?"

"I'm saying I like you."

"I don't understand."

"I'm saying I love you."

"I still don't understand."

"I'm saying I have this list of a hundred sex acts, and you can pick any twenty of them." Kaworu walked over to his locker and got a list, which he handed to Shinji. "I should warn you that number sixty-nine is not what you think, so read carefully." He handed Shinji a pencil.

Shinji was bug-eyed as he looked over the list. Suddenly, the courtesy phone rang. Shinji walked over and picked it up. It was his father.

"Shinji, listen to me. Kaworu Nagisa is an angel, and I don't mean the good kind of angel, I mean the kind of goddamn angel that will destroy humanity if we don't stop him as soon as possible. You need to get back into Unit 01 now!"

Shinji turned his back to Kaworu and spoke quietly into the phone. "I think he likes me."

"...What?"

"I think he might actually like me!"

"...Did you hear a word I said? He's an angel. He'll kill everyone. What the hell's wrong with you?"

Shinji held the phone on his shoulder as he circled items on the list. "I don't care, I'll make it work. Bye, father," said Shinji, and he hung up.


	2. Loophole

Shinji was piloting Unit-01 as it held Kaworu in its grasp.

"You're an angel, Kaworu!" yelled Shinji. "How could you not tell me you were an angel! You betrayed me, just like father!"

"Shinji," said Gendo, "I _told_ you he was an angel. I _told_ you he would destroy humanity."

"I thought you just meant he was a heartbreaker! Which he is! He's destroyed all the humanity left in me! Oh, I thought we had more time. He told me he needed to get to bed early so he could be up early the next morning."

"Didn't we have fun with the time we had, Shinji?" said Kaworu.

"Yes, I just thought we had more time," said Shinji. "And now I find out you're an angel?"

"Shinji, I'm so glad I was able to meet you, but fate dictates that if I live, humanity will perish. I've concluded that humanity needs a future, and there is equal value to me in life and death. Shinji, I'm ready to disappear. The choice is up to you."

They waited for a full minute, Kaworu pinned within the grasp of Unit-01. Orchestral music played softly in the background.

"Hold on," said Shinji. "Presumably, I just have to kill you _eventually_, right?"

"Goddamnit, Shinji," said Gendo.

"Well," said Kaworu, "if you let me go, fate dictates that I cause humanity's destruction."

"Right," said Shinji, "but if I keep you in my grasp, or if someone else keeps you in the grasp of a different Eva, then... we could hang out, right? Maybe go out somewhere?"

"Possibly," said Kaworu.

"Father? People at NERV? Can you fix Unit-02 and have Asuka pilot it so she can hold Kaworu while I go out with him?"

Gendo sighed. "Maybe. I don't know. This whole thing is pretty complicated. The Dead Sea Scrolls mention something about a Red Moon buried near Australia, I don't know what _that's_ about. The Dead Sea Scrolls are pretty hard to translate. There's something about a 'well-regulated militia'. Blah blah blah." Gendo sighed. "Look, Shinji, don't overcomplicate this, just crush him and get this over with."

"I might have a 'crush' on him, but I'm not going to crush him, father!"

"What? You're gay?"

"Bisexual, actually."

"Ha. So _that's_ what this is about. I'm sorry, Shinji, I thought this was about fighting over a girl or something. Whatever, it doesn't matter, just crush him."

"Look, father, either I let him go now, or we do things as I say!"

* * *

Later that week, Shinji and Kaworu were on a date at an Italian restaurant, with Shinji sitting at a table on a second-story balcony, and Kaworu being held in the grip of Unit-02, piloted by Asuka. Kaworu was perched up against the other side of the table Shinji sat at. Shinji sucked up a spaghetti noodle, and splattered a little bit of sauce on Kaworu's white shirt and the knuckle of Unit-02. They both laughed as Kaworu wiped himself with a napkin.

"Shinji," said Kaworu, "you've really outdone yourself. The lit candles, the delicious food, the beautiful summer day... this is awfully _romantic_ of you."

Shinji blushed. "Thanks, Kaworu." Shinji could swear Unit-02 just shook like it was giggling.

Kaworu continued. "It makes me so happy to have gotten to meet you. What makes you happy, Shinji?"

"Uh, well, I like watching YouTube Poop videos on YouTube. They're, like, really wacky and bizarre. In fact, I've made a few videos about Spongebob. Wanna see?"

* * *

"This is painful," said Misato, who was watching the conversation over Unit-02's sensors. Shinji was showing Kaworu the fourth YouTube Poop video in a row on his phone. "Can't he tell that Kaworu's just not interested?" She looked at another monitor, which showed Asuka just about falling asleep from boredom. "Oh no!"

* * *

Shinji spoke. "And that's why I think Patrick is the funniest Spongebob char- Wait, what's happening?" Shinji watched Unit-02 loosen its grip on Kaworu, who floated upward and telepathically gained control of Unit-02. Unit-02 stood up and turned in the direction of NERV headquarters. "Kaworu, where are you going?"

"I have to be up early tomorrow morning, so I should probably head in about now."

"But it's only 6pm. We haven't finished dinner, and I still have five more videos to show you."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you," said Kaworu as he floated away, next to Unit-02 as it marched toward NERV headquarters.


	3. So f---ed up

Unit-02 only marched a short distance away from the Italian restaurant before Asuka awakened from her slumber inside the Eva and regained control of Unit-02. Shinji watched from his table as Unit-02 flailed its arms in a futile attempt to grasp Kaworu, who flitted about like a gnat. Shinji sighed sadly, left the table without paying the bill, and ran home.

* * *

When he entered his room, he plunged on his bed, and wept softly into his pillow. Then he blubbered like a baby as he thought of Kaworu's face. _Oh, Kaworu, why?_ he thought. _Didn't he like me? What did I do wrong?_ During a temporary reprieve from crying, he pulled his puffy face from his snot-covered pillow and put on some Lana Del Rey. He sat next to his bed and opened a drawer on his nightstand that had Tide Pods in it, but quickly closed it and laid down when he heard Misato arrive home.

"Shinji? Are you home?"

Shinji heard her but kept his face buried in his pillow.

"Shinji!"

Shinji sighed and turned toward her. "What!"

"So, while everyone's not exactly _happy_ that you just upped and ran when Kaworu got loose, we've got the situation under control... for now, anyway. Kaworu said he'll be back at NERV tomorrow. Prophecy demands it, I guess."

"I don't care." Shinji turned his face back into his pillow. Some tears broke through.

"Look, Shinji, would it help if I ordered pizza?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Would it help if I said some funny words?"

Shinji didn't respond.

"Longinus. Long 'ginas. Spear of long vaginas."

Shinji didn't move.

"So Mickey and Minnie were at court, getting a divorce. The judge says, 'I'm sorry, Mickey, but mental illness is not acceptable grounds for granting a divorce.' Mickey says, '_I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!_'"

Shinji couldn't help but smile and giggle a little.

Misato walked closer to Shinji. "Well, who do we have here! It's... the... tickle monster! Tickle tickle tickle!"

Shinji laughed like a giddy little child, but he kinda resented it. "Okay. Okay!" he said.

Misato sat next to Shinji on the bed. "Look, Shinji, I know things are rough now, but you're strong, and I know you'll land on your feet. I mean, look at me. I lost my virginity at 21-" she paused and sipped a beer, "-and got it back at 25. But I'm doing okay. Yep, you deserve much better than how Kaworu treated you. You going to squish him like a bug?"

"I don't really want to think about that right now."

"You should squish him like a bug."

* * *

It was just after dawn, and Kaworu walked alongside a crater lake, thinking out loud. "I feel so well rested. It's fortunate that I was able to get to sleep early last night." Kaworu sighed as he climbed on top of a statue of an angel. "Man will never be completely independent of the rhythms of nature. Man is not a god."

The black obelisks of Seele appeared to Kaworu. "And yet," said SEELE 01, "man has dogs, and if you spell 'dog' backwards you get 'god'."

"Still, if man should-" Kaworu stared at Ritsuko, who approached the area completely naked.

"Uh, hi," said Ritsuko. "I'm supposed to have an appointment with Seele."

SEELE 02 spoke. "We didn't require that you be naked!"

"Oh, it was my choice," said Ritsuko.

"Pardon me," said Kaworu, "I had an appointment with Seele as well, as I do every morning at dawn. Is there a misunderstanding?"

"Excuse us," said SEELE 01. The black obelisks disappeared, while Kaworu and Ritsuko waited patiently.

"So are you coming back to NERV later?" asked Ritsuko.

"Likely," said Kaworu.

"Oh," said Ritsuko.

They stood around and shuffled their feet.

"This area used to have a really nice sushi pl-," said Ritsuko, before being interrupted by Seele.

"We have uncovered the existence of a scheduling conflict. We have decided to meet with Kaworu first, and Ritsuko at 7am."

"Incompetent blowhards," muttered Ritsuko as she walked away. "How are they going to engineer instrumentality when they can't even engineer a schedule."

* * *

Misato was on a nearby hill, using binoculars to watch Kaworu and a nude Ritsuko next to a crater pond. "What could they be talking about?" she wondered. "Did Kaworu abruptly leave Shinji so he could be with Ritsuko?"

A thought struck her. She smiled, put down her binoculars, and scratched her chin.

"I have a plan..."

* * *

Later that morning, Shinji entered the hospital room where he was told Asuka was recovering from her fight with Kaworu. He saw her lying on the bed, bandages wrapped around her head, and wearing a hospital gown. She seemed dead asleep. Shinji gasped when he noticed the gown had opened a little, exposing her breasts.

Shinji paused, then walked toward the door and locked it. He looked around, and unbuckled his belt, then unzipped his fly, when he heard the bed squeak. He froze, then quickly zipped up his fly.

"Don't stop."

"Ahhhh!" yelled Shinji. "Misato! What are you doing here? Where's Asuka?"

"Ah, crap." Misato sat up on the hospital bed and spoke while pulling off her head bandages and closing her gown. "Okay, here's the deal. I don't tell anyone what you did, and you don't tell anyone what I did."

"Uh, deal."

"Boy! All these angel attacks have clearly taken a toll on our psyches. This is most definitely not the kind of thing that we might have done otherwise. No-sir-ee Bob."

They were silent, avoiding eye contact.

"Of course, if you wanted to-"

"No, thank you," said Shinji, pointedly.

"Of course, that's fine." Misato sighed. "Oh, by the way-"

Shinji burped a detergent bubble.

"Oh no, Shinji, are you eating Tide Pods again? You know those things aren't good for you."

"But they look like candy."

Misato sighed. "Anyway, as I was saying, I saw Kaworu and Ritsuko this morning-"

Shinji collapsed on the floor.

"Ooh, someone should bring him to a hospital," said Misato.


	4. Shito

After Shinji got his stomach pumped and was discharged from the hospital, he returned home. He would be notified when Kaworu returned to NERV, which could happen any minute.

Shinji entered his room, closed the door, and plopped in the chair in front of his computer. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

_Time for porn?_ he thought. _Yep, time for porn._

He entered the Privacy Mode of his browser and went to Google, but his mind drew a blank. _What do I want to see?_ He paused. _Now *that's* an idea. I wonder if the internet has it._ He typed in "Kaworu Nagisa porn" and pressed enter.

No results.

_Okay, well, what else could I try?_ Shinji typed in "Leliel porn", and got 30,000 results featuring the spherical black-and-white striped angel in various topologies. _Yeah, you hot fucking angel, I want to be inside you._ He leaned back, unzipped his pants, and-

"Hey Shinji, I- whoa! We have to stop meeting like this!" said Misato, who entered the room.

"Could you please knock!" yelled Shinji. He quickly pressed Windows-D to clear his monitor.

"Sorry, sorry. I just felt like we should address what happened this morning."

Shinji stifled his rage and turned to listen, arms folded. _Where's my mug,_ he thought.

"Shinji, sometimes... adults... get bored... and- Well, look, I guess we're both kind of screwed up. Maybe I drink a little more than would be ideal, and there's the dating issues and-" she cleared her throat "-exhibitionism. Of course, you're also kinda screwed up, with your abuse of Tide Pods, and also, um, exhibitionism."

"Yes. That is a complete list," said Shinji, turning to the computer to close the minimized web browser with the Leliel porn.

"Yes, well, anyway, as the responsible adult I feel I should let you know that you could get in a lot of trouble for what you did this morning."

"I have learned my lesson. I won't do it again," said Shinji, who stretched his arms behind him in a ruse to sneak away the butt plug on his computer desk that he had been planning to use.

"You know, this reminds me of a story. When I was a girl, I-"

As Misato blathered on about everything that had happened up until then, Shinji shifted his chair and put his hands behind his head to block Misato's view of the poppers on his desk that he had ordered from a sketchy web site.

"-and I know 2015 has been rough, but I have a feeling that, in the future, people will look back on 2016 as The Year Things Started To Get Better. Anyway, take care, and I'll let you know if there's news."

Misato left (finally!), and Shinji locked his door. He went back to his computer and re-opened the pages of Leliel porn he had found earlier. Within fifteen minutes, three quarters of his clothes were off, and he was pretty, um, active when he noticed Kaworu's head in the window. He was hovering outside.

"Kaworu!" blurted out Shinji as he scrambled to put back on his clothes and wipe the lube from his hands. "How long were you out there?" Once Shinji was decent-ish, he went to his window and opened it.

"It's okay, Shinji. I like meeting with you."

"You know, you're a real shito," said Shinji.

"You are correct in using the Japanese word for either 'apostle' or 'angel'."

They stared at each other, then kissed. Then Shinji guided Kaworu through his window and closed it, and they continued to kiss as they sat on Shinji's bed.

Something caught Kaworu's eye, and he spoke with a voice as soft as a cloud. "You have Leliel porn open on your computer."

"Ahhh!" Shinji jumped up and closed everything on his computer or around his computer or relating to computers. He stood there, wondering if he'd forgotten anything when Kaworu held him from behind.

"You have no reason to worry. I like you because you're you."


	5. Cheese

Several days later, Gendo sat at his desk in the NERV Command Center, drumming his fingers.

"Pretty quiet, lately," said Fuyutsuki. "I'm surprised the angel hasn't come back yet."

"Where's the pilot of Unit-01?" asked Gendo.

"He should be here any minute."

Just then, Shinji walked up to Gendo. "Good morning, father. I'm here."

"Good morning," said Gendo. "Apparently, the Yearbook Committee of your school wants a photo of you smiling. There weren't any, so we're going to take a photo right now. Face Fuyutsuki and say 'cheese'."

Shinji turned toward Fuyutsuki, who aimed a camera at Shinji. "Uh, cheese?"

_Click._

Fuyutsuki showed the camera to Gendo. "That won't work," said Gendo, not quite quietly enough for Shinji to avoid hearing. "He looks terrified."

"Well, what makes him happy?" asked Fuyutsuki.

Gendo rubbed his forehead with frustration. "Oh, alright. Shinji, when the angel comes back, I will allow you to... date him."

"Really?" said Shinji, skeptically.

_Click._

Fuyutsuki showed Gendo the photo. "Not happy enough," murmured Gendo, who turned to Shinji. "Yes, Shinji, I will seriously allow you to date him."

Shinji's face lifted. "Are you sure, father?"

_Click._

Fuyutsuki showed Gendo the photo. Gendo sighed. "Yes, Shinji. I am absolutely not lying to you. You deserve to be happy, and there's nothing I want more than for you to be happy." Gendo attempted a smile.

"Oh, father!"

_Click._

Gendo looked at Fuyutsuki's camera. "Adequate. Send it to that girl on the Yearbook Committee." Gendo turned to Shinji. "Oh, um, just kidding. There's no way I would allow you to date him."

Shinji stood, mouth agape, the small spark of hope extinguished. "But you said I could."

"Shinji, he's a goddamn angel. He'll destroy humanity. And also I think 14 is too young to be dating."

"That's such a _Lilin_ thing to say," said Shinji.

"Where did you learn that word?"

"It's the cool way to say 'human'."

"I know what it means!" said Gendo, who turned toward Fuyutsuki. "Did you know about this?" said Gendo, still not quite quietly enough for Shinji to avoid hearing.

"About what?" asked Fuyutsuki.

"That 'Lilin' is what the cool kids say."

Fuyutsuki shrugged. "Beats me. I'll have to ask my niece."

Shinji interrupted them. "Father, I have decided that there is equal value in whether or not I date Kaworu. I'm ready to stop dating him. The choice is up to you."

Gendo spoke. "Frankly, I think you're being awfully condescending- Wait. What did you mean by 'stop'?"

"I meant, you know, 'continue to not be dating him'."

Gendo paused and looked at Shinji. "Shinji, I'm concerned about you. Just this past week, you left that Italian restaurant without paying the check, and you overdosed on Tide Pods, and as your father, I get a lot of people looking at me as if I'm supposed to care. So knock it off and straighten up. Got that?"

"Yes, father."

"Good. Dismissed."

Shinji walked away.

"That was fun," said Fuyutsuki to Gendo. "We should do it again sometime."


	6. Therapy

Misato entered the office of the therapist that NERV had on retainer.

"Um, hello," she said.

"Misato Katsuragi, I presume?" said the therapist, a bald man in his 50s with a beard. He sat in a chair across from another chair.

"Yes, that's me."

"Please have a seat." The therapist gestured toward the empty chair.

"Thank you." Misato took a seat.

"So, what brings you here?"

Misato looked at the floor and rubbed her hands together. "Um, well, I'm the guardian of one of the 14-year-old pilots here, and I, um, French-kissed him." She looked up.

"Holy crap!" the therapist said. "I would've guessed you were in here for... alcoholism or something."

"Aren't therapists supposed to be non-judgmental?" she said, annoyed, and a little self-conscious about the beer she had finished just before leaving for the therapist.

"I apologize, I will try to withhold my judgment. Please continue."

"So I was walking with the kid, Shinji, when-"

"Commander Ikari's son?! Holy crap!"

"Are you going to keep doing that?"

"Sorry. Please continue."

* * *

Earlier that day, Shigeru Aoba, Makoto Hyuga, and Maya Ibuki were watching their monitors at NERV Headquarters.

"I wonder if NERV will implement a smoking ban at some point," said Shigeru, leaning back in his chair.

Makoto chuckled. "Fat chance. The world could end at any minute. Who cares."

"Yeah, well, that kid angel seems to be taking his sweet time coming back here. Did he get lost?"

"I bet Dr. Akagi wouldn't stand for a ban. Nicotine runs through her blood."

Shigeru imitated a smoking woman's voice, which came out sounding like Ozzy Osbourne. "Over my :cough cough cough: dead body."

Maya turned in her chair to Shigeru and Makoto. "Oh, come on, you guys. Dr. Akagi is stronger, smarter, and warmer than you'll ever be!" Maya turned slowly back to her monitor. _"Warmer?" Whoops!_ she thought.

* * *

"I don't mean to interrupt," said the therapist, "but I really doubt you're privy to the inner monologue of Maya Ibuki."

"I'm painting a picture," said Misato. "May I continue?"

The therapist shrugged.

* * *

Maya, still red with embarrassment, returned to her work. Suddenly, she noticed something.

"I'm detecting something strange," said Maya. "It's like nothing I've ever seen."

Makoto spoke. "We have a camera out there. I'll get the feed."

Within a minute, Makoto had the video feed on his monitor, and he zoomed in on the black, whispy disturbance in the air. Shigeru and Maya came over and stared at the feed.

"What the hell is that?" said Shigeru.

Maya turned away from the screen in horror, and retched.

* * *

Misato and Shinji walked down a hallway at NERV Headquarters, when a man's voice came over the intercom.

"Attention, attention, an angel has been spotted. Repeat, an angel has been spotted. A new angel. Repeat, a new, unknown angel. Code red."

"Another angel?!" exclaimed Misato. "They just keep coming. And we only have two Evas and one pilot left." She paused. "Crap. Uh, okay, Shinji, we need to get you to Unit-01."

"But I don't want to," said Shinji.

Misato pinned Shinji against a chainlink fence. "Shinji! If you don't pilot that Eva now, I will curse your name until I die!"

"Geez, okay, I'll do it."

"Uh, okay. Well, good."

Misato paused. She then lunged forward and stuck her tongue down Shinji's throat, who squirmed, bug-eyed. Then she broke the kiss and pulled back.

"That's how grown-ups kiss. We'll do the rest when you come back." She winked, then stood back for a second and looked at a shocked Shinji. "Let's get to Unit-01."

Just then, another announcement came over the intercom. "False alarm, there is no angel. I repeat, false alarm, there is no angel. Resume normal operations."

"Huh," said Misato. She turned away from Shinji. "Oh! Commander Kouzou!"

Fuyutsuki stood there and frowned.

"I, um, didn't realize you were there," said Misato. "So no angel after all, ha ha. Good news, right?"

* * *

"And that's what happened," said Misato.

The therapist sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Referring to yourself in the third person was a nice touch. Did they ever happen to figure out the cause for the false alarm?"

"Turns out it was birds. One of those huge hordes of starlings, actually. It's called a murmuration. You should check out some of the videos on YouTube."

"I have to admit, this chain of events is like a well-written scenario."

"You know what?" said Misato. "I said the exact same thing."

The therapist continued to rub his forehead. "So, perhaps now is the time for me to become just a wee bit judgmental."

"Oh, come on. Is it a crime to express your affection for someone you care about?"

"This is all sorts of illegal, yes. Not to mention super awkward. But we'll see what Commander Ikari and his son have to say." The therapist leaned forward in his chair. "Speaking of Shinji, I've heard he's dating Kaworu Nagisa. Now, you live with him. Is Shinji happy with Kaworu? How're they doing?"

* * *

Shinji entered the office of the therapist that NERV had on retainer just as Misato was leaving.

"Ikari Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"Please have a seat."

The therapist gestured toward the chair, and Shinji sat down. The therapist leaned forward.

"So, kid," said the therapist. "What's rockin'? Gettin' jiggy wit it? Surfing the information superhighway?"

"What?" said Shinji.

"What's on your mind? How was your day?"

"Uh, it was fine."

"Just... 'fine'? Anything eventful happen today?"

"Well, I spent most of the morning looking at YouTube videos."

"What kind of videos do you like to watch?"

"I like YouTube Poop videos about Spongebob Squarepants."

The therapist looked helpless.

"You see, YouTube Poop is this thing where..."

As Shinji expounded on his love for YTP videos, a man came in and handed the therapist a large binder.

"Thank you," the therapist said to the man. He turned to Shinji, who had stopped talking. "Sorry that I haven't read about your mental health history ahead of time, this is all on short notice. Now let's see here..."

The therapist sat and read for a minute, and his face entered all kinds of contortions: wincing, cringing, grimacing, and approximations of those famous theatre masks. Shinji was expressionless.

"Well," the therapist said with a sigh. "From what I'm reading, I bet you have the mental state of an air conditioner whose interior fan broke off six months ago. I am impressed, however, with how my secretary was able to make such a concise executive summary so quickly out of _so_ much material."

"Can I read it?" asked Shinji.

"Oh, no no no. No no no no no. No. In fact, you'd be better off if I burned this. Honestly, this is way above my pay grade. I mostly just deal with disputes between coworkers, maybe some mild alcoholism, that sort of thing." The therapist looked at the executive summary page again, then put it down. "Yeesh. But, anyway, apropos of nothing, how's your relationship with Kaworu Nagisa? You two getting along okay?"

Shinji, who had taken everything else the therapist said in stride, grew tense. "Uh, I haven't seen him. For about a week."

"Well, that's a shame. Did you two break up?"

"Yes."

"Why is that, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well, he's an angel."

* * *

Gendo and Fuyutsuki entered the office of the therapist that NERV had on retainer just as Shinji was leaving. Gendo spoke. "How did things go? Did you get any information about Kaworu Nagisa?"

"Well," said the therapist, "I just finished discussing why Katsuragi's behavior was inappropriate with your son, and I did so earlier with Katsuragi. Oh, and I assured your son that there's nothing wrong with believing in angels, and he agreed with me, so I think we made some progress."

"You do understand that Kaworu is the kind of angel that NERV defends against, right?"

The therapist paused. "They can take human form?"

"Yes, they can! Did you get any information about whether they might still be dating?"

"Why would your son be dating an angel?"

"Just answer the question," said Fuyutsuki.

"Uh, they both said he stopped dating him a week ago."

"They're lying," said Gendo. "I know it. Did you detect any inconsistencies, any slip-ups?"

The therapist reflected. "Uh, I was really confused about why Katsuragi talked about Kaworu as if he were a real person when Shinji said he was an angel, but now it all makes sense."

"Anything else?!" yelled Gendo.

The therapist shrugged. "This was all under such short notice."

Fuyutsuki spoke. "I knew we should have scheduled the appointments for tomorrow to give us more time to prepare."


	7. Snitches Get Stitches

After work, Misato entered her apartment, thinking about the text she sent Shinji earlier:

Misato, 4:28:01 PM: Hey Shinji. Let us agree never to discuss what happened this morning.  
Shinji, 4:28:01.5 PM: Agreed.

_Odd that my text had autocompleted,_ she thought.

She turned toward her fridge, opened it, and took out several six-packs of beer. She brought the cans to the sink. _Painful, but it must be done._ She opened each can one-by-one and poured them down the drain.

Next, she went into the cabinet under her sink and got a case of fifty bottles of cough syrup. She sighed. _No more robo-tripping,_ she thought. She then dumped the bottles into the trash.

Next, she went into her room and took out the small box of PCP that she kept in her nightstand. _Wait, I don't remember buying this,_ she thought. She shrugged, and dumped the box into the trash.

She returned to the kitchen and stretched, when she saw Pen Pen.

"Hey, Pen Pen, what's up?"

Pen Pen turned and pointed a retractable claw toward the living room. Misato overheard Shinji giggling. Wait, there were _two_ people giggling.

"Snitches get stitches," she told Pen Pen. Still, she was curious, so she tip-toed around the corner and peeked into the living room.

Kaworu and Shinji were watching TV, with Kaworu holding Shinji from behind.

"I believe in angels," said Shinji, who turned and pecked Kaworu on the lips. "Do you believe in angels?" Kaworu giggled.

_Gag,_ thought Misato. _I need a drink._ She exited the apartment.

* * *

Misato returned an hour later, still sober. _What kind of bars close at 9pm?_ she thought. She entered her apartment and walked to the living room to watch TV. She was shocked by what she saw.

"Oh, my God!" said Misato. "I'm seeing so many arms, and torsos, and dicks!"

"But, but our pants are still on!" said Shinji.

"I'm talking about you two dicks! We need to establish boundaries. No shirtless making out in the living room. And what is Kaworu doing here? Shouldn't he be crushed?"

"Like this?" Shinji hugged Kaworu tightly. Kaworu giggled.

Misato rolled her eyes. "We'll discuss this tomorrow." She turned to walk away, then turned back. "And if you think I won't tell the people at NERV about this, well, maybe! I haven't decided yet! Yeah!" She turned away and entered her room.

* * *

The next morning at dawn, Kaworu had already left and was having his daily dawn meeting with Seele by the side of a crater lake.

Kaworu spoke. "No matter how much Lilin may try, they cannot prolong the inevitable. Eventually, every person will die."

SEELE 01 spoke. "And yet, the plural of 'die' is not 'dies', it's 'dice'."

"Oh, cut the philosophical bullshit," said SEELE 03. "Kaworu, it's been eight days. What's taking so long?"

"Well," said Kaworu, "the Dead Sea Scrolls do not, in fact, offer a definite timeline, so-"

"Oh, the Dead Sea Scrolls," said SEELE 03. "Those things. Why do I get the feeling we haven't been this bamboozled by a so-called religious text since someone claimed they found a lost book of the Bible called 'Sex Acts of the Apostles'? Kaworu, what the hell have you been doing?"

SEELE 04 spoke. "What have you been doing to bring about Instrumentality?"

"I have been dating Shinji Ikari," said Kaworu.

There was a pause.

SEELE 05 spoke. "Even by the standards of 14-year-olds, you can do better."

SEELE 06 spoke. "He's scrawny, he's awkward, he's mopey. I don't see what you see in him."

SEELE 01 spoke. "And yet, 'dating' is used to estimate the ages of rocks."

"I like Shinji because he's Shinji," said Kaworu.

SEELE 07 spoke. "Look, I'm sure Shinji is basically fine, but how does that help bring about Instrumentality?"

"They say God works in mysterious ways," said Kaworu.

There was a pause.

SEELE 07 spoke. "So, in other words, you don't know."

Kaworu shrugged.

SEELE 07 let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, I'm late to my yoga class. You guys continue without me."

SEELE 03 spoke. "Why do we bother talking to you, Kaworu? This is all a complete waste of time."

Kaworu became uncharacteristically miffed. "If you don't like our dawn meetings, then maybe we should stop having them!"

There was a pause.

SEELE 03 sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, Kaworu. I do enjoy our conversations with you, I really do. You're pleasant, you're kind- I mean, let's be honest. Talking with you brightens our day."

The other Seele members murmured agreement.

Kaworu smiled.

Just then, Ritsuko approached the area, completely naked. She stopped when she was within earshot of Kaworu.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Ritsuko. "Is there another scheduling conflict?"

"Excuse us," said SEELE 01. The Seele obelisks disappeared.

Ritsuko sighed. "How are things, Kaworu?"

"I'm fine. And you?"

"I'm doing okay." Ritsuko paused. "Are you currently dating Shinji Ikari?"

"Yes."

"I see..."


	8. Anyway

That morning, Misato stepped outside her apartment to head to NERV. She carried a box with a cake in it. The cicada sounds of eternal summer were in the air.

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee... _

_eeeewww eeeww ee-_

"Shut up!" yelled Misato at the air. "Ahhhhh!"

* * *

Later that morning, Gendo had asked Ritsuko to meet with him in Conference Room #2 (the black one with the giant red NERV logo). Ritsuko sat in a chair with her back to Gendo, who stood about twenty feet away, so as to better hear each other.

"Why did you destroy the Dummy System?" asked Gendo.

"Maybe it's because I no longer feel any joy in your embrace," said Ritsuko. "Why don't you do what you want with me, with my body, just like before?"

"You mean like dressing you up like a mime?"

"Exactly."

"But the nearest Party USA is thousands of miles away."

"That didn't stop you before."

Gendo paused. "I... I didn't know you enjoyed it. Why didn't you say anything?"

Ritsuko turned and glared at Gendo, who was smirking.

"Anyway," said Gendo. "I didn't just bring you here to ask about the Dummy System. Do you know if the angel Kaworu is currently dating Shinji?"

"Yes," said Ritsuko.

"I knew it!"

"No, what I meant is, yes, I know whether or not they're dating."

Gendo sighed. "So, are they dating?"

"Maybe...?" said Ritsuko, coyly.

"God, you haven't been this unresponsive since... since..."

Ritsuko pressed her hands up against the invisible box she suddenly found herself in.

"Fuck it to hell, I'll go ask Katsuragi."

* * *

Gendo approached Misato, who had her head down on her desk.

"Katsuragi?"

Misato glared at Gendo.

"I'll go ask the computer technicians."

* * *

Only Shigeru Aoba was at his work station. Shigeru was practicing air guitar.

_Another mime?_ thought Gendo. "I'll go check out the break room."

* * *

In the break room, which was much less impressive than the rest of NERV headquarters, Maya Ibuki and Makoto Hyuga were eating slices of angel food cake when Gendo walked in.

"Commander Ikari," said Maya as she and Makoto put down their cake. "What can we do for you, sir?"

"Ibuki. Hyuga. I was just wondering... um, who brought in the cake?"

"Katsuragi did," said Maya. "It's fresh-baked, too. Delicious."

Gendo helped himself to a piece. It was delicious.

"Do either of you know if the pilot of Unit-01 is currently dating the angel Kaworu Nagisa?" asked Gendo.

"Sorry, I don't know," said Makoto.

"Me neither," said Maya.

Gendo paused in thought, then noticed a flyer on the bulletin board on the wall. He walked closer. Cockroaches on the linoleum floor scurried away. "Then why is there a sign-up sheet for a party tonight hosted by Kaworu Nagisa and Shinji Ikari?"

Maya and Makoto froze.

"Aoba," Gendo said, turning to Makoto. "It says here that you agreed to bring watermelon."

"Oh!" said Makoto. "Oh. Okay. Now I remember. Yes, I did agree to bring watermelon."

Gendo read the flyer closer. "Wait, Fuyutsuki's bringing sliders? Doesn't anyone in this organization understand that angels are a threat to humanity?"

"Still?" said Maya.

"You know what, I should invite myself to this party."

"Oh, well, sir," said Maya, "the hosts were pretty adamant that only people on the guest list are invited."

"Well, maybe I'll go anyway," said Gendo.

Maya gasped in horror, and turned to the side and retched.


	9. Sucky

"The secret ingredient is _nutmeg_," said Fuyutsuki, with a twinkle in his eye, as he set his sliders down on the counter at Shinji's and Kaworu's party.

"Thank you, Deputy Commander Kouzou, I greatly appreciate it," said Shinji, standing next to Kaworu.

"You two kids take care," said Fuyutsuki, who went to go play X-box.

"Many things about the Lilin continue to puzzle me," said Kaworu. "The purpose for this party, for instance."

"I just think," said Shinji, "that if everyone got to know you, they wouldn't think you were the enemy, and we could be together. You know... like boyfriends."

"Right, a 'charm offensive'," said Kaworu. "One of the things I enjoy about the Lilin are their oxymorons."

_Is he referring to me?_ thought Shinji. "Well, anyway, before the party gets started, there's something I've been wanting to tell you."

"I'm listening."

Shinji clasped his hands in front of him and looked deep into Kaworu's eyes. "Sucky."

"I don't understand."

"Um, I shitter you."

"I still don't understand."

Shinji felt sweaty. "Um, let me check my Japanese-to-Japanese dictionary..."

As Shinji searched around, Kaworu paused in thought. Then he spoke. "I understand that you believe the trust of the Lilin can be gained, but it is futile to deny the brittle and barren nature of their hearts."

Maya entered the apartment. "Hey, guys! I brought cookies!"

Kaworu continued. "I will leave now so that I can get to bed in time to wake up early tomorrow."

"What?" said Shinji. "Already?! But our party hasn't even started!"

"Your party," said Kaworu.

Maya placed her cookies on the counter amidst the awkward situation, then went to go play X-Box.

"Goodbye," said Kaworu, who then exited the apartment.

Shinji stood in shock. Misato walked up next to him, sipping a beer.

"What a passive-aggressive asshole," she said.

Shinji, with tears brimming, ran to his room.

* * *

Later, the party was in full swing, and just about all of the guests had arrived. Misato knocked on Shinji's door for the third time to try and coax him out of his room.

"Hey, Shinji, people are-"

Suddenly, the door opened, and Misato saw Shinji holding an acoustic guitar.

"I'd like to play a song," he said.

Misato shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

Shinji walked out into the middle of the party and spoke up. "Hi, everyone," he said, with a lump in his throat. "Thanks for coming here, but unfortunately, Kaworu had to leave early."

"Aw..." said just about everyone, except Gendo, who looked around in disbelief.

Shinji took a breath. "If it is alright with everyone, I'd like to play a song."

Everyone murmured neutrally.

"It's called 'Ruined'."

Shinji cleared his throat, then began strumming an A minor chord.

" Sad boy's lost his way  
In the month of May

The feelings do not fit  
He's feeling just like shit"

Shinji glanced around to make sure everyone had heard that he had said a swear.

" Worms will eat his brain  
Such a sad refrain

So listen to this plee  
the sad boy here is me"

Shinji stopped. "Uh, that's the end." Everyone was silent.

"More like A Cruel Angel's Feces!" heckled Shigeru. Some people giggled.

"That was a very nice song," said Maya. "Let's give him a round of applause."

Some weak applause followed.

"I do have some more songs," said Shinji. He cleared his throat.

Gendo leaned toward Fuyutsuki, who stood next to him. "Is there a way we can initiate the Third Impact right now?" said Gendo.

Fuyutsuki chuckled.


	10. Dummy

The next morning, Misato got a beer from the fridge and sat down across from Shinji, who was eating cereal and drinking tea. "Good morning, Shinji."

"Good morning, Miss Misato."

She sat down. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't understand Kaworu. I put so much effort into that party, and then he just leaves before it even starts. It's like he doesn't even care."

"What is there to understand? He's an asshole, even if he's the kind of asshole everyone else likes. You can do better."

"What? No, Kaworu's a good guy and I like him, and he likes me too. I just don't understand him sometimes."

Just then, Shinji got a text. His face lit up.

"Miss Misato! Kaworu just texted me. He says he's sorry if he gave the impression that he didn't enjoy my company, and he wants to have lunch with me."

"Hmm," said Misato. "That's nice of him, but be careful you don't come across as too desperate. It's like me and my ticking biological clock." Misato took a sip of her beer. "You know, the one I got when I left that genetic engineering lab, along with Pen Pen. I only bring it out for special occasions."

"Yes, you left it out on the counter from last night," said Shinji as he looked at the spherical mass of flesh on the counter. It emitted a cricket-like chirp about once a second and blushed once a minute.

"Ole Clocky," said Misato.

* * *

Shinji showed up at the taco place, still miffed by Kaworu's cold behavior the night before. Kaworu was already at a table. Shinji joined him.

"Hey, Kaworu. Thank you for the text. I think we need to both be clear about the things that are important to us."

"I like dogs!" said Kaworu.

Shinji paused. "Uh, I like dogs too, Kaworu."

"Oh, I'm not Cowru, I'm Cowru-II!"

"You're what?"

"I'm _this_ many years old!" Kaworu-II held up three fingers.

"So, wait, are you a clone or something?"

"Uh huh!"

"But why did Kaworu send a clone in his place?"

"Uh huh!"

"That son of a bitch! That bastard! How could he do this to me?"

Shinji took out a phone and called Gendo. Kaworu-II remained smiling.

"Hello, father? I think I'd like to pilot Unit-01 again."

"Hmm... no," said Gendo.

"What? Why not?"

"Hold on a second." Shinji heard Gendo talk to Fuyutsuki, not quite quietly enough for Shinji to avoid hearing. "Fuyutsuki, did we make clones of Shinji?"

"I don't believe so."

"...Are you sure?"

"I'm pretty sure."

"Well, double-check."

Shinji spoke. "I'm not a clone, father!"

Gendo spoke to Fuyutsuki. "And check if their hearing was enhanced." Gendo spoke to Shinji. "We will discuss this later, 'Shinji'."

Shinji sighed. "Bye, father." He hung up.

* * *

At sunset, Kaworu was having a meeting with Seele by the edge of a crater lake.

"Humans," said Kaworu, "face a critical choice in many struggles: Should one show mercy, even when that mercy may be taken advantage of, or should one be ruthless?"

SEELE 01 spoke. "And yet, there are humans named 'Ruth'."

SEELE 02 spoke. "Kaworu, we have called you here to discuss an urgent matter. Why did you steal one of your clones, the ones used for the Dummy System for the Mass Production Evangelions?"

"Well," said Kaworu, "I had realized I might have inadvertently given Shinji the impression that I didn't appreciate his company as much as I do. But I was also scheduled to bathe in the LCL tube to transfer my knowledge to the clones."

SEELE 02 spoke. "So you delegated one of the clones to act as your replacement."

"Correct."

SEELE 02 spoke. "Kaworu, do you realize what happens to a clone who misses a scheduled transfusion of knowledge?"

Kaworu paused. "No."

SEELE 02 spoke. "There is a regression of- Wait, what's Ritsuko doing here?"

Ritsuko, completely nude, walked toward Kaworu and the floating SEELE obelisks. When she was in earshot, she paused.

"What the fuck," said Ritsuko, addressing SEELE. "What in the actual fuck. Another scheduling conflict? Do you need me to teach you how to use Google Calendar?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Why do you always arrive in the nude?"

"Fuck you!" Ritsuko replied. "I'm the chief scientist at NERV, I got tenure."

SEELE 02 spoke. "I'm pretty sure we can have you replaced."

"Good luck finding someone even remotely capable of developing the Evangelions!"

SEELE 02 spoke. "You know, we do have our own scientists, they work on the Mass Production Evangelions."

"Those Evangelions are shit! They look like penises with teeth!"

As Ritsuko and Seele continued their discussion, Kaworu awkwardly waved goodbye to SEELE and left the area.


	11. Third Impact Stuff

Kaworu stood outside the apartment building Misato and Shinji stayed in. He thought about Shinji's text message from the day before.

_Even when the lines of communication are open, the Lilin are prone to misunderstandings,_ thought Kaworu. _Shinji does not have a proper grasp of the situation. If he did, he would not have referred to me as a "shithead" eight times in three text messages._

Kaworu looked at the window to Shinji's room, which was cracked open.

_A delicate situation like this requires intelligence gathering before further attempts at communication._

Kaworu walked to the apartment building and floated up to the side of Shinji's window. He peaked inside and saw Shinji sitting with his laptop. Kaworu waited patiently, and eventually Shinji left the room.

Quickly, Kaworu pried open the window and squeezed inside. Shinji's laptop was still open. Kaworu skimmed over the screen for clues to Shinji's mindset. Kaworu lifted an eyebrow in response to seeing a folder on Shinji's computer labeled "third impact stuff".

_Must the third impact happen, bringing about man's doom?_ thought Kaworu. He paused. _No, wait, this isn't-_ Kaworu double-clicked the folder, opening it. _Pornography? So that's it. That's your plan, Shinji._

Suddenly, Shinji opened the door and entered his room. He froze when he saw Kaworu, and glared at him.

Kaworu spoke first. "You're late."

"Huh? I'm late to my own room? What the fuck does that even mean?"

Kaworu considered the possibility that his mindfuck strategy might have its limitations. Shinji continued before Kaworu could speak.

"You have a lot of nerve showing your face here." Shinji walked toward Kaworu. "There's a lot we need to talk about... later." Shinji leaned in and began kissing him. They went to the bed, and Kaworu sucked on Shinji's neck. Shinji giggled. "Careful, Kaworu, or you'll leave a mark!"

* * *

Misato was reading a book in the living room when she started hearing squeaky mattress noises coming from Shinji's room. She rolled her eyes and put on some headphones, connecting them to her phone to listen to some Miles Davis. However, she noticed an email on her phone from Gendo...

* * *

Gendo and Fuyutsuki were at the NERV Command Center. Gendo stared off in the distance in thought while Fuyutsuki answered some emails.

Gendo spoke. "Fuyutsuki, there are some changes to the NERV sexual misconduct policy I'd like you to make."

Fuyutsuki looked up from his computer. "I'm listening."

"The current policy is too vague. Pretty much anything could be considered sexual assault. In fact, I would argue it interferes with the operation of NERV."

"How so?"

Gendo sighed. "It would take too long to explain why, but at some point I'm going to need to put my hand on the breast of a naked 14-year-old girl. Actually, I'll need to push my hand inside her, if that makes any sense. Could you change the sexual misconduct policy so that that's allowed?"

Fuyutsuki pursed his lips more than he previously thought was possible. "Alright..." Fuyutsuki turned back to his computer and drummed his fingers on the keyboard.

"Fuyutsuki, are you actually typing, or are you just tapping the keys?"

"I am indeed typing, Commander." Fuyutsuki opened up the web page for NERV's Human Resource department and started actually typing.

A couple of minutes later, Gendo noticed something on his computer. "Well, that's an odd coincidence. An anonymous whistleblower just submitted a complaint claiming that I have plans to grab a minor's breast. Weird."

Fuyutsuki's eyes bugged open, then he forced out a chuckle. "Hahaha, that's funny. Though I confess I'm surprised that _you're_ the one handling these kinds of complaints."

"Well, it used to be Kaji."

"Huh."

A minute passed. "Could I look at what you wrote for the sexual misconduct policy?" asked Gendo.

Fuyutsuki stammered. "Oh, um, well, I, um- Oh, look, there's Shinji!" Fuyutsuki leaned over the railing by his desk and pointed down to Shinji, who was hundreds of feet below them in the cavernous NERV Command Center. "Shinji, my boy! Hurry up! We, uh, we have something to tell you!"

Fuyutsuki saw Shinji walk somewhat faster. He turned to Gendo, who remained expressionless at his desk. Fuyutsuki stood awkwardly by his computer, trying to think of a second diversion if the situation came to that point, but soon enough, Shinji arrived.

"Hello, Shinji," said Gendo. "We have determined that you are not, in fact, a clone, and- Wait, why are you wearing a scarf?"

"Uh, I thought it looked nice," said Shinji.

"Millennials," chuckled Fuyutsuki with a shrug.

"I mean, why do you wear gloves?" Shinji asked Gendo.

"Shinji," said Gendo, "I don't need your guff. We already have a whole chamber of it. Now, you've indicated that you wanted to pilot Unit-01 again, so I'm allowing you to do so."

"Uh, I changed my mind."

Gendo sighed and stared at Shinji. "Should I ask why?"

"Uh, well, I _was_ angry at Kaworu, but then we made out- I mean, made up, and-"

Gendo glared at Shinji.

"-and later today we're going to see an anime movie, the Dragon Ball Z one."

Fuyutsuki spoke. "Do you prefer subs or doms, Shinji?"

"Pardon?" said Shinji.

"Oh, no," said Fuyutsuki, "I didn't mean- I meant to say-"

"Fuyutsuki," said Gendo, "that is highly inappropriate! He is just 14! Apologize this instance!"

"I'm so sorry, Shinji," said Fuyutsuki. "What I meant to say was, um, I forget the phrase. The audio can be in Japanese, or you can have the audio be in Japanese while you have Japanese subtitles? What's that phrase? You know what I meant, right?"

Shinji was silent.

Gendo spoke. "Make sure you memorialize this incident by submitting a report throught the Human Resources web site."

Fuyutsuki sighed. "Yes, Commander."


	12. eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee

Shinji took off his scarf as he walked away from the NERV Command Center. He entered a hallway and saw Rei at the other end walking toward him.

_Do I wave?_ thought Shinji. _Do I say 'hi', or 'hey, Rei'? When should I say 'hey, Rei?' Now? Twenty feet away? Ten?_

As they continued walking toward each other, Shinji realized that, due to the optical illusion caused by the unusual artistic patterning on the walls (done by NERV's Artist In Residence), it would take longer to pass Rei than he originally thought.

"Uh, hey, Rei!" Shinji eventually yelled, about fifty feet away.

Rei didn't respond as she continued walking.

_This is awkward,_ thought Shinji. _She's so dispassionate. Wait a minute, that gives me an idea..._

"So, Rei, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Nothing big, but I think you'd be especially suited to it."

Rei stopped when she finally got within a few feet of Shinji. "Yes?"

"So, uh, Kaworu and I have been dating, but we've hit a rough patch, and I think, maybe what we need is for a neutral observer to mediate for us. I think you would be especially well suited, since you don't really have a bias for either me or Kaworu."

"It makes no difference to me whether either of you lives or dies."

"Hahaha, yes," said Shinji.

Rei remained expressionless. Shinji's smile faded.

"So," said Shinji, "would you consider helping mediate talks between Kaworu and myself?"

Rei paused and thought for a second. "Okay."

"Great! What time's good for you?"

"Time?"

"What time are you free? What time do you not have anything else planned?"

Rei slowly shrugged.

Shinji continued. "I'll, uh, see what's good with Kaworu."

* * *

Later that day, Rei, Shinji, and Kaworu sat at a table in a coffeeshop. Rei twiddled a spoon in her tea. Shinji held his coffee mug as he explained his exasperation with Kaworu's behavior.

"And so," said Shinji, sipping his coffee, "Kaworu sent me a text where he said he was sorry if I _got the impression_ that he didn't appreciate me. Note that he never apologized for what he said. Anyway, his text said that we should meet for lunch, and we _did_, except he sent a _clone!_-"

Rei looked up from her tea.

"No offense," said Shinji. "I just mean, he and his clone are different people, and _he_ was the one who promised to meet with me. And then he didn't respond to my texts, and he just shows up to my room unannounced."

"And then what?" asked Rei.

"We, uh, made out... and stuff."

Rei paused in thought, then looked down to documents she printed off of the internet. "Standard practices for couples mediation dictates that I should allow both sides equal opportunity to discuss things from their point of view. Kaworu, it's your turn."

Kaworu looked toward Shinji and spoke. "The first thing I'd like to say is, I feel I was born just so I could meet Shinji."

Rei couldn't help but smile.

"He does this every time!" yelled Shinji.

"Please let him continue," said Rei. She twiddled her spoon in her tea.

Kaworu continued. "I acknowledge that not everything in our relationship has proceeded smoothly. After all, outbursts of irrationality are in the nature of the Lilin."

Rei looked up from her tea. Her smile faded.

"No offense," said Kaworu. "I'm just saying that, given our respective natures, neither of us has done anything wrong."

There was a pause.

"Are you finished?" asked Rei.

"Yes," said Kaworu.

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Rei paused. "Are we done?" she asked.

"No!" said Shinji. "He needs to apologize for sending a clone in his place, and he needs to apologize for refusing to apologize for sending a clone in his place. And, I don't know, I need to know that he really cares about me, and that he's not just lying."

Rei pursed her lips and stirred her tea. _What's the best way to resolve such a complicated set of issues?_ she wondered.

* * *

Later that day, just before sunset, Rei brought Kaworu and Shinji to an especially large greenhouse filled with trees.

Rei spoke. "I think this place will be especially conducive to resolving your situation."

"You mean," said Shinji, "through the calming effect of nature?"

Rei paused. "Sure," she said.

"Doesn't this greenhouse close soon?"

"Don't worry about that. I'll be outside." Rei exited the greenhouse.

Shinji and Kaworu stood awkwardly, admiring the trees.

Rei re-entered with a box labeled "live cicadas #1" in black permanent marker, and opened the box slightly. A steady stream of cicadas exited the box and flew into the greenhouse's many trees. Rei exited the greenhouse. A short time later, she entered with a second box labeled "live cicadas #2", and opened that box slightly as well. Shinji noticed that a man at the back of a delivery truck was unloading about fifty boxes of cicadas outside the greenhouse. Rei re-entered with a third box.

"Rei, do you need help?" asked Shinji.

"I'm fine, thank you," said Rei.

Shinji turned to admire the forest-like environment. The cicadas sang their song of eternal summer: _eeeewww eeeww eeeww eeeeeeeeee..._

"I have to admit, I like the sound of the cicadas. It's soothing, meditative. Maybe Rei knows what she's doing."

Shinji turned toward Kaworu, and hugged him for a while.

_EEEEWWW EEEWW EEEWW EEEEEEEEE..._

"Is it just me, or are the cicadas getting kind of loud?" asked Shinji.

"The glass is probably reflecting the sound," said Kaworu. "Also, it's almost sunset, and the sound of the cicadas should be getting louder now."

Shinji and Kaworu walked peacefully around the greenhouse, while Rei finished dropping off all of the cicada boxes and exited the greenhouse one last time. It was getting darker, and the cicadas were getting louder.

Suddenly, the greenhouse doors locked with a bang.

"The automatic locks!" yelled Shinji over the cicadas. He ran to the door to try to open it, to no avail. "We're trapped! And the cicadas are getting so loud!"

"They say an individual cicada can emit a sound up to 120 decibels, enough to destroy human hearing!" yelled Kaworu. "And that's just one of them!"

"What about you? Can you use your AT field?"

"My AT field cannot defend against sound!"

"Where's Rei? Where'd she go?!"

**EEEEWWW EEEWW EEEWW EEEEEEEEE...**

* * *

Rei stood outside the greenhouse, watching Shinji and Kaworu covering their ears and writhing in pain. She smiled.


	13. Guacamole

Somehow, Shinji and Kaworu managed to escape the greenhouse, and the next day, Shinji was being driven by Misato to the newly built Tokyo-4 to visit Touji. She dropped Shinji off, and he walked up to the door of Touji's family's apartment. Shinji swallowed, and knocked on the door. It opened, revealing Touji standing with crutches.

Touji smiled. "Hey, Shinji! Come on in."

* * *

Shinji and Touji sat in Touji's room, talking.

"Yeah, that was pretty intense," said Touji, referring to the Unit-03 incident. "Fortunately, I was blacked out most of the time due to the intense pain."

Shinji choked and coughed a little on the coke he was drinking.

"You feeling sick, dude?" asked Touji, grinning.

"Haha, what?"

"Cause I got some sick medicinal shit right here." Touji held up a bong. "Should cure whatever ails ya. Got lots of strains to choose from. Kyoto Kush. Tokyo-4 Turquoise. Tsukuba Tskunk.-"

"That's okay, I'll pass," said Shinji.

"Suit yourself." Touji inhaled from the bong, then put it down and leaned back in his chair. "Dude, dude, dude. Dude dude dude. I don't mean to get all emotional, but what you do, piloting those Evas... I don't envy you. Anything can happen, and those angels are terrifying."

Shinji nodded, though he had a soft spot (or maybe a hard spot) for Leliel.

"It's not fair that you have to be the one to fight them. In fact, I hear you're dealing with an angel right now, an angel who's actually a human. What's his name?"

"Kaworu."

Touji sat up and looked at Shinji. "You know what? We need to make this fair. Anything that Kaworu does to you, you do to me, and I'll do to him."

Shinji's reflective pondering turned into an incredulous look. "I don't think that would work. I-"

"Shinji, I don't want you to shoulder this burden alone! So, whatever it was, whatever he's done to you, I don't care, you do it to me, and I'll do it to him. And don't go easy on me, either."

Shinji stared at Touji for a few seconds. "Okay."

"Good. Should I stand up?"

"Yes."

Touji stood up with the help of his crutches. He awaited Shinji's attack.

Shinji sighed, then looked into Touji's eyes. "Shinji," said Shinji to Touji, mimicking Kaworu, "I'm so happy I could get to know you. I think I was born just so I could meet you. I think you're the _bee's knees_. Oh, wait, what's that? You're planning a party, where you're trying to get people to warm up to me? Well, I don't care about that, I've decided I'm leaving early because I'm a fucking morning person. And also, I don't like the Lilin because I think they have brittle hearts. It doesn't matter that they brought cookies and freshly-made guacamole, I'm going to categorically judge every one of them because of my bullshit personal philosophy."

Touji was thoroughly confused but said nothing.

"Wait, what's that, Shinji? Did you _somehow_ get the impression that I don't enjoy your company? Well it's _your fault_ for getting that impression, but nevermind that, let's have lunch, only, turns out, it's not with me, it's with my _clone_. I mean, why would I inform you of a _minor detail_ like that?"

Touji remained confused. Shinji walked closer.

"Gosh, Shinji, you didn't _like_ the fact that you met with my clone instead of me? Well, I'm going to _sneak_ into your room and _spy_ on your computer while you've stepped out. And in the end, you know I'll get away with it because you find me _irresistible_, don't you, Shinji? Well-"

Shinji leaned in and kissed Touji on the mouth.

"-You'd be right."

Touji stood in silence.

Shinji just looked at him.

Finally, Touji spoke. "I'm going to need that written down."


	14. Apology

SEELE 02 spoke. "Touji tried to kiss you?" It was dawn by the crater lake.

"Yes, but I declined," said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "I know Touji, and that doesn't sound like something he would do. Something's not right." Kaworu could hear SEELE 02 flipping through pages of a book. "We were at Scenario 47 or so, but now we've ruled out everything up to Scenario 2311. No, no, no, this is not right at all."

"We are all riding on the currents of the Lilin," said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "You seem oddly unconcerned."

SEELE 08 spoke. "Maybe you're not an angel after all."

SEELE 06 spoke. "Hold on, he does have an field, you know."

"That is the Lilin term for it, isn't it?" said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Oh, it is not! It's 'A.T. field'. Look, you're obviously an angel, you're literally hovering right now."

"I know," said Kaworu, hovering a few inches off the ground.

SEELE 02 spoke. "I know you know, I was just pointing that out to SEELE 08."

SEELE 08 spoke. "Whatever. I still don't think he's an angel."

SEELE 02 spoke. "Anyway, let's not get distracted from the important issue. Shinji's obviously pretty upset. I mean, how else can you explain him pretending to kiss himself? It's like when a cat starts eating grass, you know something's wrong. Kaworu, you should write him a nice letter. Do you need paper?"

"I don't have any on me," said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Hold on, there's Dr. Akagi."

Ritsuko walked into the area wearing a lab coat.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Hello, Dr. Akagi! Finally, you've decided to dress appropriately for our meetings."

"Yes, but I'm not wearing anything underneath," said Ritsuko. She opened her labcoat and flashed the SEELE obelisks.

SEELE 02 spoke. "That's somehow even worse!"

Ritsuko closed her labcoat. "Anyway, I understand you asked me and Kaworu here to discuss third impact scenarios?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Yes, but first, do you have any paper?"

Ritsuko paused, confused. "No, I don't usually carry sheets of paper around with me."

SEELE 02 spoke. "Could you go get some?"

"...You mean, now?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Yes. It's important."

Ritsuko paused, sighed, and left in a huff.

Kaworu and the Seele obelisks waited a few minutes.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Hold on, I just remembered that I have something." The SEELE 02 obelisk shook, and a pad of paper and a pencil fell out.

Kaworu just paused.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Aren't you going to ask me how I did that?"

"Should I?"

SEELE 02 sighed. "Young people don't appreciate magic tricks like they used to. Anyway, why don't you start writing your letter of apology, and I'll give you pointers as you go?"

Kaworu sat down and started writing. The SEELE 02 obelisk leaned over his shoulder.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Why aren't you writing in cursive?"

"What's cursive?" asked Kaworu.

SEELE 02 sputtered. "It's a proper way to write a letter! Don't they teach you anything in school? It looks like this." An image of cursive writing displayed from the usually "sound only" obelisk.

"Would Shinji be able to read that?"

SEELE 02 sputtered again. "It doesn't matter. Whatever. Just read me what you wrote so far."

"Actually, I'm done." Kaworu held his paper in front of his face and started reading. "_Dear Shinji, In truth, there is no division between us, as we are all one, and we are all warm. Yours, Kaworu._"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Is that it?"

"Yes," said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "It's a start. But you never actually apologized. Why don't you try again. I'll give you some suggestions."

As SEELE 02 dictated portions of the apology letter, Ritsuko returned to the area with some paper, and saw that Kaworu already had some. "Damn it," she muttered.

* * *

Several hours later, Shinji sat at a restaurant where he and Kaworu had planned to have brunch. He waited patiently for Kaworu, checking his phone every few minutes.

* * *

Kaworu and the SEELE 02 obelisk were roaming through the aisles at a nearby CVS.

"I'm going to be late," said Kaworu.

SEELE 02 spoke. "It's important that we have high-quality paper stock for the envelope for your apology letter! Maybe we should check Staples."

"Shouldn't I at least respond to Shinji's texts?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "That's no way to apologize! Anyone can text, it takes literally seconds. It doesn't show someone that you really care. Now, a handwritten letter, on the other hand..."

Suddenly, the SEELE 02 obelisk stopped.

SEELE 02 spoke. "Wait, where's the letter?"

Kaworu suddenly realized something. "I, uh, I forgot it."

SEELE 02 spoke. "Do you know what this means?"

"No."

SEELE 02 spoke. "It means you actually admitted you did something wrong! That's very mature of you! There's hope for you yet."

Kaworu smiled.

* * *

Shinji had sat at the table in the restaurant for thirty minutes, still waiting for Kaworu. He folded his arms, closed his eyes, and leaned back in his chair.

_Stand me up, Kaworu,_ thought Shinji, smiling. _Humiliate me. Stand me up like a bitch._


	15. Hedgehog's Dilemmas

Shinji had been sitting at the restaurant for forty-five minutes when Kaworu finally arrived. Shinji stood up to meet Kaworu.

"You're late," said Kaworu.

Shinji looked at Kaworu incredulously. "That still doesn't mmhhrmmrm!..." Shinji said as Kaworu kissed him. They held the kiss, then Kaworu stepped back and sat down.

"It's good to see you," said Kaworu, smiling.

Shinji sat down and they ordered food. Kaworu got Eggs Florentine. Shinji got a chocolate chip pancake with a whipped cream smiley face, which he poked at with his knife when it arrived. "You're not a clone this time, right?" said Shinji.

"No." Kaworu looked down at his food before looking up at Shinji. "If there is anything I need to do to make you happy, please let me know."

Shinji looked up. "You don't need to do anything."

"Shinji, I don't want you to get the impression that- I mean, what can I do to make amends with you?"

Shinji didn't look up from his food. "You don't need to do anything, Kaworu. Everything's fine."

Kaworu reached out his hand to Shinji's.

"Please don't," said Shinji, pulling his hand away.

* * *

Meanwhile, Misato entered the break room of the NERV Command Center, where she saw Makoto Aoba. "How's your Sunday going, Makoto?" she said.

"Pretty well, Major."

Misato walked over to the coffeepot, which was empty, and sighed. "Guess _I'll_ have to be the one who refills this," she muttered.

"I'm sorry, Major Katsuragi," said Makoto. "I'll make sure to make some more next time I use it up."

"Oh, it's not a big deal, Makoto. And I do appreciate your honesty with me. I guess I'm just in kind of a mood. I'm thinking of Shinji and the hedgehog's dilemma. You know what that is?"

"Can't say that I do."

"A hedgehog is doomed to a sort of loneliness since it can never get too close to another hedgehog, or else they'll cause pain."

Makoto paused in thought. "Actually, hedgehogs are sometimes known to exhibit pain-seeking behavior. There was this paper recently called 'Sado-masochism in the mating behavior of _Atelerix albiventris_.'"

"Really...?"

* * *

"So the end of winter break is tomorrow," said Shinji, using the obsolete but still common term. "School will be back in session. That's gonna suck." Shinji dunked his sausage into maple-flavored syrup.

"Most of Tokyo-3 was destroyed, wasn't it?" asked Kaworu.

"Yeah, but not the school district I attend. Still, a lot of people have moved away." Shinji took a bite of his sausage and continued speaking. "I miss Touji and Kensuke."

Kaworu looked up. "You kissed Touji _and_ Kensuke?"

"No, I mean-" Shinji paused, swallowed his food, and looked at Kaworu. "Yes," he said slowly. "Yes, I made out with both of them. They're really good kissers. Do you, um, do you have a problem with that?"

"No," said Kaworu, who looked away.

Shinji smiled. "Really? You know, most guys would have a problem with that. They might even get really angry, and start choking the person that cheated on them." Shinji scooped some whipped cream with his fork and ate it. "Maybe you'd feel better if you choked me." Shinji grinned.

Kaworu looked down at his Eggs Florentine and didn't blink.

* * *

Misato and Makoto were in the research complex of NERV, watching a couple of hedgehogs in a glass box that were to be used for animal testing. One hedgehog turned over to the side while another hedgehog rammed its spines into the first hedgehog's soft underbelly.

"Well, I'll be," said Misato.

"That hedgehog being spined is actually squealing in pleasure right now," said Makoto, "but it's at a frequency so high that only people below a certain age can hear it."

"Yep, I hear it," Misato lied. She looked closer. "Is that hedgehog using a pebble as a ball gag?"

Makoto leaned in toward the hedgehog. "Possibly." He stood up. "Actually, though, by far the weirdest behavior hedgehogs engage in is something called 'anointing.' They bite or lick something, then froth at the mouth with a foam that has the scent of that thing, then paste the foam on their spines. It's thought to be a kind of camouflage, or maybe of presenting some kind of poison to potential predators."

Misato turned toward Makoto. "How do you know so much about the sex lives of hedgehogs?" she asked.

Makoto raised a finger and was about to speak.

"Wait, don't answer that."

* * *

Kaworu and Shinji continued eating their brunch. Shinji stuck some whipped cream to his face.

"Hey, Kaworu," said Shinji. "Do you like my beard?"

Kaworu watched without comment as Shinji blew bubbles through the whipped cream, foaming it up. Shinji then brought his hand to his face, scooped up some whipped cream on each finger, and held his fingers pointed out toward Kaworu. "Wanna lick?"

"Uh, I have to go outside for a second," said Kaworu.

...

Kaworu stood on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. He spoke out toward the sky.

"Mankind seeks to control nature, but man's destiny is intertwined with the Earth."

The SEELE 01 obelisk appeared. "And yet, man has invented Mars bars-"

"I have a situation I really need to discuss with you!" interrupted Kaworu.

SEELE 01 spoke. "Shoot."

"Uh, you know, uh, choking, uh, whipped cream. Kensuke. Shinji!"

SEELE 01 spoke. "Shinji?! I'm not getting involved. Good luck, kid."

"But wait!"

The SEELE 01 obelisk disappeared.

Kaworu paused, then re-entered the restaurant.

* * *

"Of course," Makoto said to Misato as they walked back to the NERV Command Center, "not every hedgehog behavior can be extrapolated to humans, or vice versa."

"Right," said Misato. "Hashtag InHedgehogs."

* * *

"Did you know I have some immunity against snake venom?" said Shinji as Kaworu returned. Shinji had already cleaned up his face.

"Lilin never cease to confound me," said Kaworu.


	16. Scuba Diver

Late that evening, Misato knocked on Shinji's room. No response. She opened his door, and found no one in there.

"It's 9pm on a schoolnight," said Misato to herself, "and Shinji hasn't come home yet. I'm a failure as a guardian, aren't I."

"I'm right here," Shinji said from the living room. He was behind the TV trying to hook up the X-Box.

"Huh. There's still this nagging feeling, though. Who am I thinking of?"

"Asuka, maybe?"

"Holy crap, I forgot about Asuka! Shinji, is she still in the NERV hospital?"

"Shouldn't you be on top of this stuff?"

"Just answer the damn question, kid."

"After she left the hospital, they put her in a hotel. You know, the NERV Guest House."

"Whose decision was that?"

"Yours, I think."

Misato paused. "Was I drunk? she thought. I don't remember getting blackout drunk."

"Uh, I can hear you, Miss Misato."

Misato turned toward Shinji. "And you're sure she's in the hotel?"

"Yes!"

"Is she doing fine?"

"Yes, basically."

"Who's paying for it?"

"I think you charged it to NERV. You mentioned using the NERV Credit Card."

"Gendo's not gonna like that, she thought."

"Uh, Miss Misato, you said that out loud too."

* * *

The next morning, Shinji was sitting in his Second Impact class. It was the first day of the next semester. Asuka and about ten other students were there, but it was Kaworu's presence which really surprised Shinji. He looked at Kaworu, who was intently focused on what the teacher was saying.

"You know those dreams," said the teacher, "where you show up to class, and then you realize you're in your underwear? Except that you're teaching the class, and also it's not a dream?"

_So he *is* aware he's not wearing pants_, thought Shinji.

"Well," said the teacher, "instead of me prattling on about the Second Impact, today you're going to learn a lot about human psychology! Specifically, the psychology of a man whose sense of social responsibility has gradually eroded away as dream and reality become interchangeable in this surreal war-torn hell-scape that we call 'life.'"

The teacher looked out into the class. No one spoke.

"Ah, whatever," said the teacher. "Your assignment for today is to, uh, write an essay on why the Second Impact was bad."

* * *

Later that morning, Shinji was working on his essay by the side of the school's swimming pool, as one does, when Asuka entered the pool area. She walked over to Shinji.

"Hey, Shinji, watcha doing?"

"Working on my- Hah!" Shinji gasped when he saw Asuka in her two-piece bathing suit. He cleared his throat. "Ahem, my assignments. There's that essay we have to do, and also for math class, there's something about 'Taylor expansions' that I don't understand."

"Taylor expansions are easy!" said Asuka. "What're they asking? Let me see."

Asuka leaned over to look at his worksheets, putting her breasts right in front of Shinji's face. Shinji blushed. Asuka stood up.

"Let me explain it in terms even you can understand," said Asuka. "Let's say each of my breasts expand in diameter by 10%, and you want to approximate the increase in volume. You take the derivative of a volume of a sphere with respect to the radius, and-"

Just then, Kaworu entered the pool area in nothing but his swim briefs.

"-then multiply by the pre-expansion radius, and- Shinji! Shinji! Shinji! What are you looking at, Shinji?" Asuka turned to see Kaworu, who was walking toward Shinji. She scowled.

"Hi, Shinji," said Kaworu. "I hope your homework isn't too difficult. What are you studying?"

"I'm-" started Shinji.

Asuka interrupted. "I see how it is. The perfect woman isn't enough for you, because you need a man, is that right? Well, I can be twice the man that Kaworu can be!"

"Shinji," said Kaworu, "if there is a part of you that desires a more feminine partner, I can accomodate you."

"Oh, suck my dick, Kaworu!" said Asuka.

"Uh, I don't know!" said Shinji. "I like you both, but, of course, I'm dating Kaworu, Asuka."

"We did kiss, you know," Asuka said, smugly.

"I, uh, did kiss Asuka, Kaworu, but-"

"We did much more than kiss," said Kaworu.

"Right, Kaworu. Asuka and I haven't, uh..."

"We haven't what?" asked Asuka, threateningly.

"I mean, I've only done stuff with Asuka, Kaworu, I mean, Asuka, Kaworu, I mean, um, not with you."

"Figures," said Asuka. "It's just like Idiot Shinji to not kiss and tell. Figuratively, I mean. We did kiss, after all."

"Well, anyway," said Shinji, "I have to get back to my math homework and the essay on why the Second Impact was bad."

"The Second Impact was good, Shinji," said Kaworu.

"Hahaha, well, let's just agree to disagree," said Shinji.

"Morons," said Asuka. "You two deserve each other. I'm going swimming." Asuka turned to walk away.

"Okay, well, maybe Kaworu can help me with my math homework?"

Asuka turned back. "Of cosecant!" she said. "Not to go off on a tangent, but there's no sine of intelligence in his head. I bet anyone will cosine to that. And anyway, it's not like he can offer anything to match my elliptic curves. Except maybe a hairy ball theorem, heh heh heh."

"The fuck you talking about, Asuka?"

* * *

After school, Asuka, Rei, and Shinji were called to NERV Headquarters. Misato and Ritsuko stood before them.

"I have some good news and some bad news," said Misato. "The good news is, your school is having a field trip to a hot springs resort tonight."

_Yes!_ thought Shinji.

"The bad news is, you guys won't be going."

_Turds,_ thought Shinji.

"The three of you are needed for a special mission. Commander Ikari left a mug in a part of Tokyo-3 that is now underwater. It has a cow on it and says 'It's Moos-day.' Anyway, remember how we used special equipment to dive into magma some time ago? Well, to get under the water, we're also going to be using special equipment. It's called a 'self-contained underwater breathing apparatus', or 'scuba', and-"

Ritsuko leaned toward Misato and whispered something in her ear. Misato nodded and continued.

"-And apparently the mug was on the back of Commander Ikari's toilet the whole time. Mystery solved. You guys can go home."

Asuka raised her hand. "Do we at least get to go to the hot springs resort?"

"Unfortunately, the bus has already left."

"But that's not fair! When do we get to go?"

"Well, usually the school pays for a single trip... Now hold on, she thought. I could just use the NERV credit card again. I'm already in hot water, she chuckled. What's a little bit more?"

Everyone stared at Misato muttering to herself. Asuka raised her hand. "Does that mean we can go?"

"What? Oh, sure, I'll take you there tomorrow after school."

* * *

The next day, at the hot springs resort, Shinji and Pen Pen relaxed in an outdoor hot spring, on the male side of the divider between the male and female sections. Shinji overheard Asuka speaking on the other side of the wall.

"I'm sure Shinji's in here somewhere, Kaworu," Asuka said.

_What?_ thought Shinji. _Kaworu's here? What's he doing with Asuka?_

Shinji then heard Kaworu's voice from across the wall. "Are you sure that I'm allowed in here?"

"You're fine, Kaworu!" said Asuka. "Oh, I think I pulled a muscle in my back. Maybe we should take a break. Why don't I lean against the wall, and you can massage my back."

_Is she trying to get me jealous?_ thought Shinji. He stood up and listened closer to the wall.

Some silence followed, then Asuka started groaning. "Oh, yeah, Kaworu, that hits the spot! Oh! Yeah! Do it harder!"

_Just what is Kaworu doing?_ thought Shinji. He continued listening, until Pen Pen cleared his throat, and Shinji realized he had a massive erection. "Ah!" he yelled as he sank into the water. "Taylor expansion. How embarrassing."

Asuka let out an exasperated sigh. "That's not how Taylor expansions work, Shinji!" she yelled across the wall.


	17. Homoerotic

The next morning, Shinji was in class as the Second Impact teacher lectured about history.

"Of course, back in Ancient Greece, fighting wasn't done with these giant robots, but with men. And given that you have this environment that glorifies the male body, it is no surprise that _homoeroticism_-" The teacher grinned as the class giggled. "-becomes part of the tapestry of society."

Shinji cringed at the sound of his elderly teacher saying the word "homoeroticism".

"Yes, Ancient Greek society was quite _homoerotic_. The sculptures were _homoerotic_. The pottery was _homoerotic_. The stories that they told to stiffen their backbones in preparation for war, were _homoerotic_. The naked wrestling was _homoerotic_. The practice of rubbing olive oil on muscley male bodies to make them gleam in the sun, was _homoerotic_, I don't have to tell you that. In fact, the atmosphere back then was probably _simmering_ with exchanged glances and physical affection, to a degree that I, a heterosexual man with a wife, could only dream of comprehending. Now, who can name another _homoerotic_ aspect about life in Ancient Greece?" No hands went up. "Alright, then, I'll pick a volunteer. Uh... Shinji!"

"Uh, what?"

"What is another- You know what, I can barely hear you. Why don't you stand up in front of class and give us your answer."

This was going to be a problem, since Shinji had just developed an erection. But, resourceful as he was, he picked up his Second Impact textbook and held it in front of himself as he made his way up front.

"Okay, Shinji," said the teacher. "What's another aspect about life in Ancient Greece that is homoerotic?"

Shinji's mind went blank. The teacher had already listed the most obvious examples. "Uh, the food?"

The class laughed, and the teacher giggled. "Oh, Shinji, it's clear that you don't understand the first thing about homoeroticism." The teacher faced the class. "Class, I realize that Shinji and most of you are heterosexual, but it's important that you have a basic understanding about life beyond your own experiences so you don't end up like Shinji here."

"Breeder!" a student yelled.

"Hey! No name calling in the classroom! Besides, it's not Shinji's fault that he's ignorant. He was born that way, and he's just doing the best that he can. Perhaps, in time, he can even be an ally."

Shinji realized with horror that most of the class (aside from Asuka, Rei, and Kaworu) now believed that he was straight. Oh, if only there were a way to show them that he wasn't so straight after all.

* * *

"How can I convince the class that I'm bi?" asked Shinji. He was eating lunch in the cafeteria with Kaworu, Asuka, and Rei.

Asuka sighed. "Idiot Shinji," she said. "Don't you remember? We're supposed to be performing parts from a work of literature tomorrow."

Shinji paused. "I don't understand."

"Do I have to spell out everything to you? Why don't you find a play with a kiss scene, and use it to kiss Kaworu?" Asuka chuckled vaguely evilly. "In fact, I have just the story for you. It's called 'The Miller's Tale' from the Canterbury Tales. It's a classic tale of romance. You better sign up for it fast before someone else takes it!"

"Uh, okay."

* * *

After lunch, Shinji stopped by the Second Impact teacher's class. The teacher had just returned from lunch and was setting down his jacket.

"Uh, hello, sensei," said Shinji. "So, I was thinking of this story I wanted to present tomorrow?"

"Yes?"

"Uh, 'The Miller's Tale', from the Canterbury Tales?"

The Second Impact teacher raised his eyebrows. "That... would be a pretty... _adult_ choice."

Shinji's heart beat faster. He could only imagine what must be in this story. "So, can I use it?"

The teacher smiled. "Oh, sure! That won't be weird at all! And who better to treat this story with tact and maturity than a 14-year-old?"

"Oh, great! Thanks, sensei!" Shinji ran off.

* * *

After school, Shinji and Kaworu pored over the translation of the story.

"What the fuck," said Shinji. "I'm going to kill Asuka. Kaworu, are you reading this?"

"Yes."

"There's literally only one kiss in this story, and it's with a butt." Shinji paused. "You know what? If you wore a 'butt' costume, like, your face was in the middle of a fake butt, then maybe I could still kiss you in front of the class."

Kaworu paused, expressionless. "How much acting would I have to do?"

"Not much. Maybe I could ask Asuka to play some of the other parts. She seems to like showing off."

* * *

Shinji and Kaworu made props, borrowing material for a fake butt from Misato, and the next day, Shinji, Asuka, and Kaworu were acting out scenes from The Miller's Tale in front of class.

"So I'm Absolon, now," said Shinji, subtly integrating exposition into his dialogue. "And I'm begging Alisoun to come to the window so that I may kiss her."

This was the cue for Kaworu to put the fake butt on his face and put it through the cardboard window they made... but wait! Asuka was putting the fake butt on her face instead! Shinji stared at Kaworu, who just stood to the side and shrugged. Asuka positioned her butt-face at the window. The class giggled. Shinji stood nervously.

"And what happens next?" asked the Second Impact teacher.

"Uh, okay, and then I lean in to kiss her..." said Shinji. He leaned over to the cardboard window with Asuka's butt-face, and tried to convincingly fake a kiss... but then Asuka grabbed his shoulders, pulled him toward her, and put her lips on his. The class erupted with laughter, including the Second Impact teacher.

Shinji backed away from Asuka, whose butt-face grinned evilly. "Tehee!" she said.

Shinji glanced at Kaworu, who smirked. He turned to the teacher.

"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the Second Impact teacher. "Straight people, am I right?"


	18. Favor

Misato stood in front of her bedroom closet, deep in thought.

"Now where's my butt?" she muttered.

"What are you looking for?" asked Makoto, who sat on the side of her bed.

"My butt," said Misato. She paused. "Oh, you know what? I gave it to Shinji."

"What?"

"Oh, and he gave it back to me earlier, and I threw it somewhere." Misato paused in thought, then walked over to the head of her bed, reached under her balled-up blanket, and pulled out a fleshy fake butt. She frowned. "Shinji put a hole in my butt." She dangled the fake butt toward Makoto.

"Oh, I see. Uh, Major Katsuragi, I think we'll be fine without, um, prosthetics."

"You don't have to call me 'Major', Makoto. We're well past the point of formalities."

Makoto stood up and smiled. "Would you prefer to be called, 'My Queen'?"

"That's not bad," said Misato. She walked toward Makoto. "But the Queen requests a favor from her Prince." She smiled.

"Oh, anything for my Queen."

"Could you pose as a student at Shinji's high school and see what he and Kaworu are up to?"

"Ha ha ha."

"We need to know if the situation with Kaworu is at risk of destabilizing."

"Oh, you're serious," said Makoto. "Major- I mean, My Queen, wouldn't he recognize me from NERV?"

"Relax. Shinji's way too oblivious. You'll be fine."

Makoto sighed. "My Queen, there's just no way students are going to think I'm a teenager."

Misato paused. "Well, not looking like that..."

* * *

The next morning, just before class, Makoto approached the Second Impact classroom. He was dressed as a goth in a big black trench coat, black lipstick, black fingernails, and white makeup. As he entered the classroom, he got shoved by a student chasing another student into the classroom. Makoto stumbled, recovered his balance, stood up, surveyed the classroom, and walked over to an empty desk near the back. He stepped on his coat and nearly tripped again, but caught his balance and sat at the open desk.

Once everyone was seated, the Second Impact teacher began. "Good morning, class. To continue what we discussed yesterday..." The teacher stared at Makoto, who looked away. The teacher blinked and shook his head. "I think I'm seeing that ghost again. But no matter. Anyway, as we discussed yesterday, the horror of the Second Impact affected everyone, and your textbooks have detailed first-hand accounts of the tsunamis, starvation, radiation poisoning, disease, breakdowns of governments and society, and even cannibalism. Yes, cannibalism. I can tell you that, when you have no food but all the barbeque sauce that you could dream of, you start to go a little bit crazy." The teacher stared out the window, lost in thought. "I could really go for some Chinese right now. But anyway, everyone should pair up and pick a passage in your textbook to summarize and present to the rest of the class."

Everyone moved around. Makoto saw that Shinji and Kaworu paired up quickly, and he tried to find a seat near them so he could overhear their conversation. By the time he did so, almost everyone else had found a partner.

"Does everyone have a partner?" the Second Impact teacher asked.

"Well, I-" said Makoto.

Asuka plopped down in a chair across from him.

"Good, looks like everyone's all set," said the teacher.

"Hello, _Makoto_," said Asuka.

"Oh, I'm not Makoto," said Makoto. "I'm, um..." Makoto tried to think of another Japanese name. "I'm Shinjo. Shinjo Abe." [Due to an accident involving the Dirac Sea, Abe was the Prime Minister of Japan in every possible timeline.]

Asuka just stared at him. "You mean 'Shinzo'?"

"Right, that's what I meant."

"Okay, _Shinzo_. I'm Asuka. Nice to meet you for the first time ever."

"Nice to meet you. Maybe we should get started on the assignment." Makoto skimmed through pages of the Second Impact textbook. Memories of repressed trauma came back to him. _Oh, God, I'm in high school again,_ he thought.

"Hey Shinzo. Knock knock."

"Uh, who's there."

"The Second Impact."

Makoto sighed. "The Second Impact who?"

"You said you'd never forget!"

"Asuka, this is in really bad taste."

"Oh, lighten up. You're a teenager, right? It's not like you actually lived through it or anything."

"Look, Asuka, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm actually an adult."

"Gasp!"

"You have no idea how crazy things got around the time of the Second Impact. I mean, I remember when I was a kid, after the national government collapsed, a _Great Dane_ became mayor of my town."

"So? What do you have against the Danes?"

"I'm talking about a dog."

"Oh."

"Anyway," said Makoto as he glanced over at Shinji and Kaworu, "Misato asked me to keep tabs on them, see what's up. You don't happen to know why Kaworu's here, do you?"

"Well, Shinji would hate it if I told you." Asuka stretched out her arms, cracking her knuckles, then leaned in. "So Shinji told Kaworu that he kissed both Touji and Kensuke. He was joking about Kensuke, but Kaworu doesn't know that. Kaworu still doesn't know that Kensuke moved to another school district."

"Uh huh. And who's Kensuke?"

"He's a friend of Shinji's."

"Okay. And who's Touji?"

"He's also a friend of Shinji's. Boy, you've really done your research!"

"Wait, Shinji has friends?"

"Shut up, I have more stuff to tell you. Okay, so when Shinji went on that trip to the hot spring, Kaworu snuck into the female section with a really hot girl. Shinji's been really suspicious of Kaworu ever since."

Makoto saw Kaworu get a bathroom pass from the teacher, then exit the room.

"Sorry, Asuka, but I have to go now," said Makoto.

"Fine," said Asuka, arms crossed. "Leave me here to do all the work."

* * *

Makoto ran out of the room, and followed Kaworu into the bathroom. They both used a urinal, and then went to adjacent sinks to wash their hands.

"Hey, Kaworu."

"Hello, Makoto."

"Uh, I'm- my name isn't 'Makoto', it's Shinjo, I mean, Shinzo." Makoto pressed the soap dispenser and was annoyed to find the soap was a rough powder.

"I find the Lilin's propensity for multiple identities to be quite curious."

"Uh, thank you." Makoto decided to get straight to the point. "So, you're an angel, right? Why are you enrolled in high school? Seems kinda weird."

Kaworu glared at Makoto, then spoke. "First, I want to spend more time with Shinji. I feel like I was born just so I could know him."

"Aw, that's adorable," said Makoto. He smiled, and Kaworu grinned as well before continuing.

"Second, I want to find Kensuke Aida and end him."

Kensuke pursed his lips. "Uh, I'm not sure he goes to this school."

Kaworu paused. "Yes, he does."

"No, I'm almost certain he goes to another school district."

Kaworu didn't respond.

"You must have seen him by now if he, you know, attended here."

"Regardless, I should return to the classroom in order to complete the assignment."

"I'll see you soon." Makoto waved as Kaworu left the bathroom. _Probably should've asked him not to murder Kensuke,_thought Makoto. _Oh, well._

Makoto stayed in the bathroom for several minutes more, undecided if he should return to the classroom or just call it a day and leave school forever for the second time.

Suddenly, Shinji bolted into the restroom and headed for a urinal. Makoto waited by the sinks. Once Shinji was done, he went to a sink to wash his hands.

"Hey, Shinji," said Makoto. "Recognize me?"

Shinji turned toward Makoto. "Uh, no. Why are you dressed like that?"

"I'm a goth."

"What's a goth?"

"It's a style of- You know what? It doesn't matter."

"Are you a new student?" Shinji asked as he washed his hands.

"Yeah, but I've already heard a lot about you. You're dating Kaworu, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How's it going?"

"It's going pretty well." Shinji got some brown paper towels from a dispenser and dried his hands.

Makoto decided to get to the point before Shinji left the bathroom. "I heard about you guys and the hot springs resort? Something about Kaworu meeting a girl?"

Shinji paused. "I'm sorry, but that's not really any of your concern."

Makoto felt bad about prying, but he felt like he should test Shinji so he could return to Misato with useful information about Shinji and Kaworu's relationship. "I mean, most guys would get upset. It would be pretty understandable to get upset, you know, when the guy you're dating runs off with a girl. God knows what they were doing at that hot spring. Shit happens when you party naked."

Shinji froze in place and stared off in the distance.

_What's he doing?_ thought Makoto. _Is he going to yell at me? Is he going to cry?_

Shinji then ran into a bathroom stall and closed the door. Makoto listened intently for the sounds of sobs, but heard sexual grunts instead. _Fuck this shit, I'm done,_ thought Makoto, and he walked out the door, being careful not to trip on his trench coat.


	19. Ken2

Touji entered Kensuke's room. It was Saturday, and Kensuke was sitting at his computer.

Touji spoke. "Hey, Ken Ken."

"Don't call me that."

"Whatcha looking at?" Touji ambled over with his crutches and leaned in to look at the screen of Kensuke's computer. "Some kinda computer-animated porn?"

"Touji, what is the most perfect fighting machine?"

"The Evas?"

"Nope."

"Uh, tanks?"

"Nuh-uh."

"N2 missiles? Stealth bombers? Battleships?"

"All very good guesses, but not even close. No, the most perfect fighting machine... is _man_." Kensuke gestured to the CAD drawing of Kaworu on his computer screen.

"Okay."

"Think about it. Each new angel is more powerful than the one before, and not just more powerful, but more devious and more cunning. And what is the last angel?"

Kensuke waited for Touji to answer, but Touji just stood there.

"The last angel is a man. Or, specifically, a 15-year-old. But unlike every other angel, he hasn't been defeated. Why?" Kensuke tapped his head. "Because he's _smart_. Don't underestimate him. 'For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast/-'"

Touji rolled his eyes.

"'-And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed/And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill/And their hearts but once heaved-" Kensuke took a deep breath. "-and forever grew still!'"

Touji paused. "Yeah, I think you've got Kaworu kinda wrong? He's about as threatening as a kitten."

"That's what he wants you to think! He wants you to drop your defenses, so he can essentially take over your mind, like he did Shinji's."

"Kaworu's certainly done a number on Shinji, I can tell you that much."

"That's why, when Kaworu comes here with Shinji, I'm not going to show a hint of weakness! In fact, I should probably removed these..." Kensuke took his glasses off and put them in his pocket.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Kensuke closed the CAD program on his computer, got up, and tripped over his wastebasket on the way to the door. He regained his balance and opened the door. It was Shinji and Kaworu.

"Hey, Kensuke," said Shinji. "This is Kaworu. Kaworu, Kensuke."

Kensuke reached out and shook Kaworu's hand, and then, in a power move, yanked Kaworu toward him. Kaworu stumbled and fell toward Kensuke, tackling him in the process. Kensuke again tripped over his wastebasket, and they both ended up on the floor. Kensuke got up as Touji stood next to him.

"He's clever," said Kensuke to Touji. "But the day is still young."

Kaworu stood up. "I apologize for my clumsiness," he said to Kensuke.

"Yes, well, none of us is perfect," said Kensuke. "So, welcome to my apartment. My dad will be out for the afternoon, so we have the place to ourselves. I have a bunch of board games that we could play," Kensuke said as he gestured toward the games on his shelves. "Deck building games, secret identity games, cooperative games, you name it. In fact, I just got the latest Dominion expansion pack, which I've been itching to try. Do you play board games, Kaworu?"

"Yes, I have."

"Really?" said Kensuke, pleasantly surprised.

"I admire how board games encapsulate the inventiveness, creativity, and strategic ingenuity of the Lilin."

"Couldn't have said it better myself. What games do you like?"

Kaworu reflected for a second. "I believe, out of all the games I've played, I like Monopoly the best."

Kensuke paused. "Okay," he said, forcing a small smile. "I don't happen to have, uh, _Monopoly_, but you're free to pick anything on that shelf there."

"Thank you, I will consider your options."

"Touji, could you help me with something in the kitchen?"

* * *

Kensuke and Touji exited Kensuke's room and headed for the kitchen.

"Are we _sure_ he's an angel, Touji?" asked Kensuke.

"I think I've seen him levitate," said Touji, "but to be fair, I was pretty high then."

"I mean, Monopoly is a fundamentally flawed game. Everyone knows it. What does someone like Kaworu see in a game like that?"

"I don't know. People play what they want."

"What's going on in that brain of his?"

Touji shrugged.

* * *

Kensuke and Touji returned, and Kaworu held up a box.

"Would this be okay?" asked Kaworu, holding up the box for King of Tokyo-3.

Kensuke smiled. "That would be a great choice."

They set up the game. Kensuke explained the rules, and they started playing. When it was Kaworu's turn, he rolled the six dice and got two 1's, a heart, a lightning bolt, and two paws. Kaworu looked at the dice, and said, "I'm done with my roll."

Kensuke, still without glasses, leaned in to look at the dice. "Okay," said Kensuke. "Um, if you don't mind me asking, what's your strategy here?"

"I rolled the dice."

"Right, but you only rolled once. You can't get anything out of just two 1's, and since no one's in Tokyo-3 yet, there's no advantage to having more than one paw. So I'm kinda confused by what you're doing."

"You can roll more than once, Kaworu," said Shinji.

"Oh," said Kaworu, "I must not have been paying attention when the rules were explained."

Kaworu surveyed the board and his dice in deep contemplation.

"So, what do I do?" he asked.

Kensuke sighed. "Touji, could you help me with something in the kitchen?"

* * *

"I'm in the mood for pizza rolls if you have them," said Touji once they were in the kitchen.

Kensuke looked at Touji and was about to say something, but just chuckled. "He is _devious_," he said. "He is very good at making people underestimate him. We have to be on our toes." Kensuke paused. "I am curious about his physical capabilities, though."

Touji giggled. "I'm sure Shinji knows all about his physical capabilities. Maybe you should just ask him?"

Kensuke shook his head. "He wouldn't be a reliable source. He's in bed with the enemy. As a general rule, you should never get in bed with the enemy. Not unless you have a source of inner strength far exceeding their ability to overcome it... in which case it would be a valuable source of information." Kensuke paused in reflection.

"Kensuke, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Don't worry. I've been doing this exercise where you get in a horse stance and hold your arms out like this-" Kensuke made a hoop with his arms, with fingers pointed toward each other but not touching. "-for as long as you can. It's to test your endurance. I'm up to ten minutes."

* * *

Touji and Kensuke re-entered the living room, and sat down next to Kaworu and Shinji at the game.

"You know," said Kensuke, "King of Tokyo-3 is fun, but if we had an actual contest, like a wrestling contest or something, it would be even more fun. Who's down?"

Touji shrugged. "Okay."

"I'm fine with it," said Shinji.

"Great!" said Kensuke. "Then I'll put the game to the side to clear some space." Kensuke put the game on a nearby chair. He then took off his shirt. "The objective is to pin your opponent for three seconds. If you do so, you get a point. If you're already king of the ring and you pin someone, you stay. If you're the challenger and you pin someone, you become the king of the ring. I'll start as the king of the ring. And I choose... Kaworu to be my challenger."

Kaworu looked at Shinji, who spoke. "I guess you have to wrestle Kensuke."

Kaworu crawled forward. Kensuke kneeled and held his hands out, waiting for Kaworu. "Touji, you want to be the ref?"

"Sure," said Touji.

Kaworu kneeled in front of Kensuke, and they clasped hands.

"Ready... go!" said Touji.

Kensuke and Kaworu struggled, but Kensuke gained control in seconds, wrapped Kaworu's arms around his body, and pinned his body to the ground.

"1... 2... 3!" said Touji. "Point for Kensuke!"

Kensuke relinquished control, and Kaworu got up and walked back to the side. "That was too easy," said Kensuke. "I want a rematch."

"Nope. You defeated Kaworu. Someone else gets a turn."

"My place, my rules. Let's do best two out of three."

Touji shrugged. "Alright. Kaworu, Kensuke, get ready. And... go!"

Kaworu and Kensuke wrestled again, and Kensuke pinned Kaworu even faster than before.

Touji spoke. "Okay, that's two out of three for Kensuke, that means he wins. Shinji, you wanna go next?"

Shinji agreed, and he and Kensuke started wrestling. Shinji proved to be much more of a challenge for Kensuke.

While they wrestled, Touji scooted closer to Kaworu. "Dude, why didn't you just use your powers?"

Kaworu sighed, and he couldn't help but show his disappointment. "I wanted to impress Shinji by defeating Kensuke, who had kissed him,-"

"Wait, what?"

"-but I wanted to defeat him using physical strength, and not through methods alien to the Lilin."

Touji paused. "I think you can beat Kensuke, but you need to work on your technique. For one thing, keep your center of gravity low and don't overreach."

Touji continued giving advice to Kaworu while refereeing the match, and eventually Shinji beat Kensuke two to three. Touji then took off his shirt and entered the ring to wrestle Shinji. Despite his amputated leg, he greatly outpowered and outmaneuvered Shinji, and held back to prolong the match.

Kensuke nudged Kaworu with his elbow. "Um, Kaworu, can I talk to you in the kitchen?"

* * *

"Want some pizza rolls?" Kensuke asked Kaworu once they were in the kitchen. "I got some in the freezer, but don't tell Touji, he'll eat them all."

"No, thank you."

Kensuke, still shirtless, took some pizza rolls out of the freezer, removed them out of their packaging, and put them in the microwave. He turned it on. He then turned toward Kaworu and smiled as he approached him. "You know, anything that you're getting from Shinji, you can get from me. And I mean _anything_."

Both paused, waiting for the other to speak. Kaworu cracked first. "Uh, okay," he croaked out.

"You may be an angel, but you must be a demon in the sack."

Kaworu smirked. As Kensuke approached Kaworu, Kaworu took a step back so his back was to the fridge. Kensuke put his hands on the fridge behind Kaworu, boxing him in.

"I confess," said Kensuke, "that I'm really curious about what it must be like to be Shinji, to be on the receiving end of an angel's sexual energy. And I mean like, _really curious_. You wanna show me? You can always say no."

Kensuke waited for a response. Kaworu smiled but didn't say anything.

"Shinji doesn't have to know," whispered Kensuke as he leaned in to kiss Kaworu-

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Kensuke turned his head toward the microwave, which had just finished reheating the pizza rolls. Kensuke paused, then turned back to Kaworu, and leaned in again to kiss him-

Suddenly, the door opened. Kensuke moved away from Kaworu before his brain registered that it was Touji at the door.

"You guys made pizza rolls!" said Touji.

"Uh, yeah," said Kensuke.

Touji entered. Kaworu walked to the door to the living room, but turned to sneak a peak at Kensuke. A couple of seconds later, Kensuke looked up and saw Kaworu, and Kaworu quickly looked away and exited the room.

* * *

Shinji sat by the edge of the wrestling "ring" in the living room, and looked up as Kaworu approached him. "Touji beat me," said Shinji.

"Shinji, I have something important to tell you." Kaworu sat down next to Shinji. "I... forgive you for kissing Kensuke."

Shinji paused, smirking slightly. "Go on."

"I underestimated Kensuke's sexual magnetism, and-"

Shinji burst out in uncontrollable giggles. He rolled to the side and convulsed in laughter. Then he stopped. "Wait, what'd he do?"


	20. Neon Genesis Penpengelion

Gendo sat at his desk at the NERV Command Center and took a sip from his mug. "How's your Moos-day going, Fuyutsuki?"

"Isn't it Monday, sir?"

"Every day is Moos-day."

"Oh, right." Fuyutsuki realized Gendo was referring to his mug, which had a cow and the words "thank God it's Moos-day" on it. "Nothing to complain about, Commander."

Gendo put down his mug and looked at a piece of paper. "Anyway, I have this list of changes I think we should make. Ultimately, we don't know when the Third Impact will start, so I think we should go ahead with these."

"I'm all ears, sir."

"First, we need to get stigmata covered under our health insurance plan. I'm not saying it _will_ happen, but it features in a number of potential scenarios. Could you take care of that later today?"

"Of course."

"Second, we should change how we refer to our pilots. Instead of, say, 'Third Children', it should be 'Third Child'."

"That _would_ make a lot more sense."

"Next, SEELE should be pronounced 'seal'."

"Okay."

"And also, we need better sound-proofing for the Evas. I'm tired of hearing Shinji's screams."

"'Better sound-proofing for Evas'," Fuyutsuki said as he wrote it down.

"And last but not least... what's that _penguin_ doing here?" Gendo looked to his left, as Pen Pen waddled past his desk.

"Pardon?" said Fuyutsuki. He then saw Pen Pen. "Oh! I'll alert security."

Just then, Misato ran in front of Pen Pen.

"Shoo! Shoo!" said Misato to Pen Pen. She turned to Gendo. "I'm really sorry about that, Commander."

"You know how I feel about penguins, Katsuragi!" exclaimed Gendo.

Misato paused. "Actually, Commander, I don't know how you feel about penguins."

"I love them! Bring the old boy here!"

Misato moved to the other side of Pen Pen, and ushered him back toward Gendo. Gendo left his desk and approached Pen Pen.

"Can I pet him?" asked Gendo. He reached out his hand to stroke Pen Pen's face, but Pen Pen deflected his arm with a flipper.

"Well, actually, Commander," said Misato, "he doesn't like to be touched. About the only things he likes are fish and reading about real estate in the newspaper. Anyway, I'm very sorry about bringing him in, but there was a fumigation emergency at my apartment, and-"

"I wonder if he can pilot an Eva."

"Sir?"

"We should try it. It would certainly liven things up around here. Can you imagine? A penguin piloting an Eva?"

Misato paused. "Well, Commander, there's certainly a part of me that's curious."

"Great. Make it happen."

"Will do, Commander."

* * *

A short time later, Shinji sat in his Second Impact class, when, out the window and off in the distance, he saw a cross-shaped apparition suddenly flash into existence in the sky. Everyone in class started murmuring, and the Second Impact teacher walked to the window to see what was happening.

"Oh..." the Second Impact teacher moaned. He turned toward the class. "I feel like there's something I should be telling you... Oh, my memory's not what it used to be, but it was very important, what was it?"

The teacher stared off to the side.

"Was it advice? I don't think advice would help at a time like this. Was it a poem? A quotation? A prayer?"

The teacher frowned and looked toward the ground.

"To the best of my recollection, what I think I'm supposed to tell you, is the following: You know how the first thing that Japanese men think of in the morning is sex? Well, the French think that way about food."

The teacher paused.

"No, wait, that wasn't it."

The Second Impact teacher turned back toward the class. The students were all underneath their desks, waiting for a possible blast.

"Wait, where'd you all go?"

* * *

Pen Pen sat in the cockpit of Unit-01, which was surrounded by swirling dark gray clouds and hurricane-force winds. Pen Pen looked with great concern at the stigmata spots appearing on his flippers.

* * *

Kaworu walked sadly next to the crater lake, oblivious to the Unit-01 drama occurring off in the distance, marked by a small patch of black storm clouds and lightning in an otherwise clear blue sky. "The limitations of man," said Kaworu, looking at the ground, "are pervasive and _so_ deeply ingrained."

The SEELE obelisks appeared, and SEELE 01 spoke. "And yet, the _Man_ keeps hastling me over unpaid property taxes on my '95 Lincoln Town Car."

"The Lilin body is much weaker than I had expected," said Kaworu, looking down at himself. "And the temptations of the flesh so much sweeter as well. How do the Lilin manage?"

SEELE 02 sighed. "Kaworu, not only are you a few hours late for our dawn meeting, this is just about the worst possible time to summon us. The Third Impact For Penguins is taking place right now!"

"What?" asked Kaworu.

SEELE 03 spoke. "Weak, horny, _and_ oblivious. You must be a real catch."

Kaworu squinted and looked toward the sun. "Where is it?"

SEELE 02 sighed. "Not over there. To your left!"

Kaworu turned. "Where?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "You turned too much, it's-"

"Oh, I see it," said Kaworu. He stared at the swirling dark clouds and the intermittant flashes. He paused. "Am I supposed to do something?"

Sighs of exasperation came from the SEELE obelisks.

SEELE 04 spoke. "Isn't there supposed to be some kind of prophecy to be fulfilled?"

Kaworu shrugged. "I don't know, maybe? What can I do about it?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Okay. Look, I know you're going through some self-doubt right now. Let me assure you that everyone, every human on Earth, goes through the same thing. Now, perhaps we've sheltered you more than we should have, and now you're interacting with humans more than you ever have in the past, and you find yourself, in many ways, completely unprepared. But it's good that you're getting out there. You need to have your ego bruised. You need to get beat up a little, brought down a peg. You need to be embarrassed, humiliated, emasculated-"

SEELE 04 interrupted. "Jeez, is this what you call a pep talk? Give the kid a break."

SEELE 08 spoke. "Look, can we continue this chat later? The Third Impact for Penguins is happening and I don't want to miss the good parts!"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Very well. Let us continue this discussion later."

* * *

Back at NERV Headquarters, Fuyutsuki was transfixed by what he saw on his monitor.

"The Black Moon has broken past the E-layer!" said Fuyutsuki.

"It'll do that," said Gendo. He sat with his hands folded in front of his face.

"The Chamber of Guf is opening!" said Fuyutsuki.

"Could be humidity. Like a bathroom door that's warped and no longer closes all the way."

"Komm, Süsser Todd is playing!"

"Look, maybe in retrospect, having a penguin pilot Unit-01 was an idea that could've been implemented better."

"The Prime Minister is on the phone! He wants to know why penguins are disappearing from zoos!"

"Oh, this is so embarrassing. How can this day get any worse?"

"Your son wants to do a Skype chat with you!"

"I'm not here."

"Oops, too late!" said Fuyutsuki. "I've patched him through."

Shinji appeared on Gendo's computer screen, waving. "Hi, Father. Uh, is everything okay there?"

"Yes, Shinji, everything is fine. Everything is under control."

"Are you sure? Because I can see storm clouds over the Command Center from the school... and maybe a moon?"

"Localized weather. Everything is fine."

"Should I go back and get in Unit-01?"

"Nope. No, everything is fine. Just take your classes."

"Commander," said Fuyutsuki, "Unit-01 has been penetrated by a replica of the spear of Longinus!"

"Wait, what was that?" asked Shinji.

"Nothing, everything is fine," said Gendo. "Just some unscheduled maintenance. Spring cleaning, basically. Removing the cobwebs, and-"

Just then, a shriek from Maya reverberated throughout the NERV Command Center.

"I think I heard something," said Shinji.

"Anyway, we're very busy right now. I will contact you if we need you to pilot Unit-01. Goodbye."

"Wait, what's-" Shinji said before the chat was terminated.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki sat silently while the drama played out on their computer screens.

Gendo spoke. "The Dead Sea Scrolls didn't happen to prophesy anything involving an unusual animal being placed in an Evangelion, did they?"

"Nope," said Fuyutsuki.

"Figures."


	21. A 5-f--- Day

Six days later, it was Sunday at dusk. Shinji had been sitting by the side of the crater lake when Misato parked her car nearby and walked up to Shinji.

"Did Kaworu come back yet?" asked Misato.

Shinji sighed. "No, and he hasn't responded to my texts or calls either. I don't know what I'll do without him. He told me I was 'worthy of his grace'. He's the only person who's ever told me they loved me."

Misato took a deep breath. "Shinji, I just spent all morning and most of last week driving penguins back to every frickin' zoo in Japan, so forgive me if I don't have the patience to hear, once again, about how you don't think anyone loves you. Lots of people love you!"

Shinji was pessimistic. "Really?"

"Don't believe me? I'll, um, I'll make a petition about whether or not you're loved, and get everyone to sign it. Would that make you happy?"

Shinji's face lightened up. "O- Okay!"

Misato gestured vaguely and made a face, then spoke. "Alright, I'll do it. First thing tomorrow, I'll drive around and get everyone's signatures."

Shinji's smiled and chuckled a little, and his eyes watered. "You don't have to do that, Miss Misato."

"Shinji, I... wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." She waited for a possible pushback from Shinji.

Shinji nodded. "Thank you, Miss Misato, I really appreciate it."

* * *

_Crap, kid called my bluff_, thought Misato as she was driving home with Shinji. _Fuckin' kid doesn't get sarcasm. Fuckin' motherfuckin'-_

Misato sniffed the air. She wrinkled her nose.

_I could've sworn I cleaned out all the penguin shit..._

* * *

The next morning, Misato walked up to Gendo's desk in the NERV Command Center.

"Katsuragi," said Gendo, "are all of the penguins returned to their zoos?"

"Basically," said Misato. "I mean, mostly, and I got Pen Pen back, but there are still some that are stuck in the, what're we calling it, the-"

"The Penguin Instrumentality Project," said Gendo.

"Yes, that's it. So we'll have to continue the drone monitoring of the shoreline to see if any penguins suddenly appear on shore."

"Hmm." Gendo folded his hands in front of his face. "Very well. Keep monitoring the situation."

"Oh, by the way, Commander," said Misato. "So Shinji's been feeling kinda down in the dumps since Kaworu stopped meeting him or even responding to his texts, and so, I told him I would get people to sign this petition saying that he is, indeed, loved."

"Katsuragi, you know you have better things to do with your time than this."

"Are you ordering me to stop, sir? Because, if you are, then I guess I have no choice but to-"

"No, no, no. If you agreed to this, then you're bound by your word to do it."

_Right, my word,_ she thought. _*That* thing._ "So, Commander, I was wondering if you'd sign my petition?"

"Why should I?"

"Well... In life, it's important that we never take each other for granted. I mean, even with my relationship with Pen Pen, I feel that-"

"Will signing the petition end this conversation?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Gendo signed the petition.

"Great, thank you, Commander."

* * *

After getting signatures from Gendo and Fuyutsuki, next on her list was Shigeru, Maya, and Makoto. She walked into their work area.

"Hey, guys," said Misato. "So, Shinji is feeling pretty glum, and so I decided to make this petition that says that Shinji is, indeed, loved, and I'm trying to get signatures. Would you guys mind signing it?"

"Sure, I'll sign it," said Makoto.

Misato handed Makoto the petition.

"Hey, Misato," said Shigeru, "didn't you like, bang him or something?"

Misato face turned red. She turned and glared at Shigeru. "No, I did not."

"But didn't you, like, grope him or something? I'm just trying to piece together what I've heard from-"

"Listen, smartass," said Misato, "if you say another word about this, I'm going to pluck off each of your testicles and shove them down your throat!"

There was silence.

Misato smiled. "It would mean a lot to Shinji, though, if you could sign this petition."

"Fine, whatever," said Shigeru.

Misato took the petition from Makoto and handed it to Shigeru, who signed it. "Maya, would you like to sign the petition?"

Maya smiled weakly. "Could I, um, speak to you in private?" said Maya.

"Okay," said Misato. They walked out of earshot from the work area.

"Um, there's no easy, um, way to ask this," said Maya, looking off to the side.

_Oh, crap,_ thought Misato. _How do I deal with this? I can't just lie to her about French-kissing Shinji._

Maya took a deep breath. "Forgive me if you find it an improper question, but... doesDrAkagilikewomen?!"

Misato breathed a sigh of relief while staring out over Maya's head. She looked down at Maya. "I'm afraid I don't know that, Ibuki, but, um, I am visiting her next, and I can try to broach the subject. You should know, though, that a workplace relationship would be considered 'highly improper' by the top-"

Maya glared at Misato. "I know all about what you did with Shinji, so don't give me that 'highly improper' bullhockey. Do we have an understanding?"

Misato laughed nervously. "Hahaha, you don't have to ask twice, Ibuki. I'll broach the subject with Dr. Akagi and let you know later today."

Maya smiled. "Great! Now, let me see your petition..."

* * *

After getting a signature from Maya, then taking a detour to get a signature from Rei, Misato headed to Ritsuko's office in the research area of NERV. She peaked through the window on the door, and saw Ritsuko sitting at her desk. Misato knocked on her door, and was let in by Ritsuko.

"Hi, Misato. How are things?" asked Ritsuko.

"Oh, stressful. I could really use a drink right now."

Ritsuko chuckled. "About the only alcohol we have here is the ethanol in that lab-" She pointed toward her lab across the hall, which had an open door. Misato exited Ritsuko's office and entered the lab, picked up a small squirt bottle of pure ethanol, and unscrewed the cap.

"Oh, no, Misato," said Ritsuko, exiting her office. "That's for-"

Misato poured ethanol into her mouth and swallowed it painfully. She frowned and walked back toward Ritsuko's office. "That'll make your bull run," she said.

She re-entered Ritsuko's office, followed by Ritsuko. They sat down.

"Anyway," said Misato, "I have this petition I'm sending around. Shinji is feeling kinda blue, and I decided to make a petition that states that he is, indeed, loved."

"What a great idea," said Ritsuko, smiling. "I'd be happy to sign it."

Misato handed her the petition.

"Oh, looks like you spilled some ethanol on it," said Ritsuko. Some of the ink had gotten blurred, and some pages were stuck together. Ritsuko peeled the pages apart from each other.

"Still legible," said Misato. "Oh, there is a sensitive subject I must bring up. There's, um, a woman I know who feels strong romantic feelings toward you."

Ritsuko leaned back in her chair and smiled. "Really? What do you know about this woman?"

"Uh, well, she works here, she's really good at her job, she's bashful, uh, a little younger than you, I think..."

Ritsuko smiled and looked directly into Misato's eyes. "Perhaps this woman should follow her heart." She got up out of her chair.

"Well, the heart can sometimes be an ass."

Ritsuko approached Misato's chair. "Perhaps you should stand up."

"Oh, okay," said Misato as she stood up, and faced Ritsuko.

"So... would my secret admirer happen to be free tonight around 7?"

"Uh, well..."

Ritsuko brushed her hand up the outside of Misato's arm.

"Oh! No, I'm not your secret admirer," said Misato. "It's someone else."

Ritsuko's eyes widened. "Oh, oh crap. This is awkward. God, I need a drink. You didn't happen to finish all of that ethanol, did you?"

"Mostly," said Misato, "but don't worry, it's about to come back up."

* * *

After Misato vomited into Ritsuko's wastebasket, then explained to a pleased Ritsuko that Maya was her secret admirer, Misato left NERV and headed to the address of Shinji's Second Impact teacher. Misato parked next to the curb and stepped out of her car. By now, most of the clouds had dispersed, and it was a sunny afternoon.

_Shit, it's hot,_ thought Misato, glancing up at the sun. _My car's going to smell pretty fragrant when I get back_.

Misato walked up the steps to the teacher's front door, then rang the bell. She waited half a minute. _I wonder if anyone's ho-_

The Second Impact teacher answered the door. "Hello. Can I help you?"

"Hello! So, I'm the guardian for Ikari Shinji, and you're his teacher. Now, Shinji's feeling kinda upset right now, so I was wondering if you could sign a petition that states that he is, indeed, loved?"

The Second Impact teacher stepped outside, and grimaced at the heat. "You know how, some mornings, you step outside, and go, 'Fuck, it's hot!' And other days, it's even hotter, and you go, 'Fuck! Fuck! Oh fuck.' while you're walking to your car. Well, this-" The Second Impact teacher pointed at the sky. "-is a 5-'fuck' day."

"It is indeed. Anyway, sir, could you sign my petition?"

"Okay. Put me down for one of each."

"Uh, okay... but you'll have to sign here."

The Second Impact Teacher signed her petition. "You don't happen to have samples with you, do you? I could really go for some of the cool mint flavor."

"Sorry, sir, but thank you for signing."

"I'm going to get them in the mail, right?"

"Uh, huh," Misato said as she walked away. "Thanks, and have a nice day!"

* * *

Misato's next stop was the NERV Guest House where Asuka was staying. Misato knocked on her room.

"Hello, Miss Misato."

"Hey, Asuka. I'm just stopping by because, well, Shinji is kinda down in the dumps right now, ever since Kaworu stopped seeing him or responding to his calls or texts-"

"Huh."

"-and so I decided to have people sign this petition that states that people do, in fact, love him." Misato showed the list of signatures to Asuka, who looked, but maintained the same stone-faced demeanor she had when she opened the door. "Would you be willing to sign your name?"

"I don't want to give Idiot Shinji the idea that I like him."

"Now, hold on. This isn't about anything as strong as 'liking' anyone, it's just about love. And anyway, you can just put down 'A. Langley Sohryu', and if he asks, I'll tell him it's a relative."

Asuka signed her name. "It's okay that he thinks that I like him, even if it's not true."

Misato nodded, then saw in Asuka's hotel room the last person she expected to see:

Kaworu.

Misato stood there, stunned, as Kaworu non-chalantly made his way to the door. Asuka raised her eyebrows when she noticed Kaworu was approaching.

"Hello, Miss Misato," said Kaworu. "How is Shinji?"

"He's... doing fine. But he misses you. Why didn't you respond to his calls or texts?"

Kaworu took a deep breath. "I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"I'm afraid that Shinji will be upset that I haven't contacted him in so long. With each passing day, I become more afraid, because I'm worried Shinji will be more upset."

"Why are you in Asuka's room?"

"Besides Shinji, Asuka is the closest friend I have, and she's been a good friend." Asuka looked to the side, bashfully. Kaworu continued. "We've had many long conversations."

"Would you be willing to see Shinji now?"

Kaworu stepped back and shook his head.

Misato paused. She brought a finger to her eye and wiped away a tear. "Well, Kaworu, I can't make you leave. Perhaps you could at least give your signature to this petition? It's a petition stating that Shinji is, you know, loved."

* * *

Misato stopped at Touji's and Kensuke's apartments in Tokyo-4 to get signatures, and it was late at night when Misato finally returned home, thoroughly exhausted. She plopped down at her dining table, then looked over at the door to Pen Pen's cubbyhole. _Guess there's one more signature I could get right now,_ she thought.

She walked over, kneeled down, and knocked on Pen Pen's door. Pen Pen emerged.

"Hey, Pen Pen. I was wondering if you could, maybe, scribble on one of these lines here?" She presented the petition to Pen Pen.

Pen Pen extended his claws and grabbed the petition. He glanced over it. He walked into his cubby with it. Then, with Misato still watching, he ripped it to pieces with his beak and ate it.

"No, Pen Pen! Bad penguin! Very bad penguin!" Misato paused. "Is this because I put you in that Eva?"

Pen Pen pointed his flipper upward, then retracted all but one of his claws.

"Hey! That's very rude, and I know you know that! Hey, don't walk away when I'm-"

The door to Pen Pen's cubbyhole closed.

Just then, Shinji walked out of his room. "Is there a problem, Miss Misato?"

"No, everything's fine. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

The next day at dusk, Shinji sat by the crater lake. He stared peacefully at the lake, waiting for Misato to return from her second attempt at gathering signatures for her petition.

"I'm sorry," a voice said behind him.

"Kaworu!" said Shinji. He jumped up and ran to hug Kaworu.

"I'm sorry, Shinji, for-"

"You don't have to explain, it's all right."

"I'm s-"

"You don't have to explain, Kaworu. I'm just so glad you're back."

They hugged, with only the breeze interrupting their silence.

...

Misato drove up near the crater lake, and saw Shinji and Kaworu hugging.

"Well, fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck." She glanced at the filled-out petition on the passenger side seat, and then looked back at Shinji and Kaworu. She smiled.

...

As Misato walked up to the side of the crater lake, Shinji and Kaworu were still hugging.

"I thought you were dead, Kaworu," said Shinji. "I thought that fate required that you be crushed."

"It only required that I be held."


End file.
